The Gnome-Mobile – JenEric Movie Review

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Hello Cinephiles,

Today we’re talking about the 1967 movie The Gnome-Mobile.

Story

I was completely invested until about twenty minutes in when it changed from a gnome-mobile road trip movie to a horror of mental institutes. The idea that a lone psychiatrist, in a for-profit institute, interviewing someone who thinks they’re talking to a private eye, without legal counsel or family involved, can strip someone of all their rights… it’s creepy and terrifying.

Then the movie turned into some sort of little people orgy fantasy that was heavy on the misogyny.

Score: 0

Character

Not much character development or character in general. The actors however acted the heck out of very poorly defined characters. Each role was done extremely well, even though the characters were pretty bland.

The problem with having two kids in a movie is that you risk them becoming one character. That’s what happened here. Had there been only one kid, we’d have almost the exact same story.

Don’t get me started on the misogyny of the gnome-maiden that was the most desireable was the demure and shy one while the strong, competitive ones were painted as mean.

Score: 0

Dialogue

There were a lot of words and yelling, but overall it was the little jokes and quips that made it worth watching. Between long, boring yelling sections, you got parts with genuine humour.

Score: 1

Visuals and Music

This movie is extremely impressive for it’s time. The special effects used and the camera work was excellent. Add to that the car chase and it’s really impressive.

Something else that has to be added is the backgrounds. To fill in the backgrounds to make it look like they were actually in a forest and not the backlot, they had elaborate paintings. These were not noticable if you weren’t looking, but they were absolutely gorgeous.

The music was catchy and cute.

Score: 1

Fun

I have to admit it was fun. Both kids and the rest of the family enjoyed it. I had issues with the predictability and mental health aspects and the rampant misogyny which took away the fun for me.

Score: 0.5

Overall

This is a movie where the special effects, dialogue, and acting are far better than the story deserves. It’s awkward, creepy, and frustrating.

Final Score: 2.5 Stars out of 5

Only Human (Serial Story) Part 4

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

“Dreamy,” sighed Ginny with a faraway look.

“I’m guessing you know him then?” asked Rachel sarcastically.

“Everyone knows him,” added Tim. “And I agree with Ginny, he’s dreamy.” The two girls turned and looked at the gnome in his wheelchair with surprise in their eyes. “What? I have a thing for tricksters.” Tim blushed and did his best not to meet Ginny’s eyes. “So what happened next?”

“The teacher said that anyone who hadn’t lifted their hand in the first wave should find another class, those that lifted their hands in the middle group had potential and should stay in the class, while the two of us would be bumped up to the next level since we either had training or talent.”

“It’s probably cause you’re a demi-god,” said Tim. They were all in the cafeteria avoiding studying for various subjects. No matter what time of day she’d been there, Rachel had never seen the cafeteria be anything but busy.

“Probably,” replied Rachel.

“Right, absolutely,” replied Ginny.

“Wait, what am I missing?”

“Nothing.” Ginny’s voice cracked. Her perfect hair and flawless skin were the perfect frame for her large worried eyes.

“You may be supernaturally pretty, but you’re a terrible liar,” laughed Tim.

Ginny actually blushed her cheeks turning almost as red as her hair. “You think I’m pretty?”

“The only parts of me that don’t work properly are my legs. My eyes are perfectly fine.”

Unsure if she’d been outed, or used for the most adorable flirting, Rachel cleared her throat and said, “What are you getting at Tim?”

“Huh? Oh, Yeah. You two are hiding something and I want in.”

“Two nights ago you were begging me not to kill you and now you want in on a secret?”

“What, you’re an efficient killing machine and absolutely terrifying but you’re growing on me.”

Rachel laughed awkwardly. She hadn’t told Ginny about the details, “Coming from the guy who’s flirting with a vampire.”

“Just tell him,” Ginny ignored her.

“I’m not a demi-god. I’m human. I have no idea why I’m here.” It wasn’t easy keeping this lie straight but it was better than avoiding talking in front of one of her new friends.

“Shit, you are a Huntress?”

“No, just human with training.”

“So if you’re human, than why could you see through Dowan’s illusions?” Tim asked.

“Some Humans have divinatory powers.” Ginny shrugged, seeming over her earlier bout of blushing.

Nodding Tim said, “It would explain your speed and fighting ability.”

When Rachel chose a spot to sit, she always tried to have a wall at her back. It meant she couldn’t be surprised by someone sneaking up behind her. When she felt hands placed over her eyes and a warm breath on the back of her neck, she panicked. She threw her head back into the nose of the person behind her and reached up to grab the quickly retreating hand. She used her shoulder and back to lever the person and toss them over the table. Jumping out of her seat she ran to her attacker and placed her foot on his neck.

Staring up at her with a look of terror was Dowan, looking more the frightened child than the usual cocky trickster. He gurgled at her and she took her foot away from his throat.

“I normally avoid the rough stuff until the third date,” he tried to sound glib as blood flowed from his nose. The cafeteria patrons giggled awkwardly.

“I’m sorry. Why’d you sneak up on me?” She ran and got some paper towels. When she came back he was sitting in her chair at the table.

“Some girls like it when a handsome man tries to surprise them.” He nudged a small bouquet of crushed flowers with his foot.

“Not a fan of surprises.”

“I’m starting to get that.” He laughed and took the paper towels. After a little while, the blood stopped and he managed to clean himself up a little. She could already see the bruises turning dark blue on his brown skin. “So would it be stupid of me to ask you out anyways?” he asked with a small smirk and eyebrow raise.

“Suicidal maybe,” suggested Ginny, which made everyone laugh.

“Well…” Rachel trailed off. He wasn’t likely to be a killer monster, so maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. He was handsome. She seemed to have trouble taking her eyes off his lips. She really wanted to taste them.

“Yo! Rachel. How’s it hanging?” yelled Ronnie from across the cafeteria. Somehow he still managed to make it look cool; strutting in flanked by two other boys, all in the same football jackets. When he came closer he asked, “So how’s my favourite demi-god?”

Standing up in a fury, Ginny said, “She’s fine and off limits jackass.”

“Let the girl talk for herself, sis. She’s old enough, and certainly hot enough.” That’s when he saw Dowan and growled. He actually growled, and it sounded like a something that should have come from a large wolf.

Standing, Dowan was still half a head shorter than Ronnie, but he had a natural presence that made him seem more intimidating. “Do you really want to do this?”

“I’m a sixth generation vampire and a fourth generation all-star athlete, your little tricks don’t scare me.”

“I’m descended from the raven himself, white-boy. Or should I call you dead-boy?”

The cafeteria hadn’t reacted much when Rachel had thrown Dowan across the room, but now the entire room grew silent and more than half of the patrons suddenly remembered they had other things to do. Even Ginny looked cowed.

The lights flickered and darkness swirled around the two men despite the daylight coming through the windows.

Pulling two of her longer knives Rachel jumped forward and placed herself between the two men. Part of her enjoyed that they were ready to fight for her; it was thrilling to be wanted. It didn’t mean she was going to allow them to act like idiots.

“Gentlemen. I understand that you want to prove which of you has the biggest… you know what…” she blushed, feeling that she had just lost all her intimidation. She tried to think of something witty to say and decided on tapping each of their inner thighs with one of the knives, “Go away.”

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Only Human (Serial Story) Part 3

Part 1 | Part 2

Standing in the middle of a street party at Monsters University, Rachel was surrounded by people. Currently she was watching a Cyclops by the name of Al toss a smart car towards her.

Thankfully for Rachel, Al was a terrible shot and the smart car flew over and into a large brick building. Neither were damaged, the car bounced off the building and landed on its wheels in the yard.

“Wow. I guess depth perception really is important,” Rachel giggled.

Al’s eye grew wide and for a moment it looked like he was getting angrier, then he just laughed. His friends slowly joined in, unsure if they should.

“You’re funny,” said the large Cyclops. “I like you. What are you?” Anywhere else in the world that question would be rude. Here it seemed common, like asking what major you were in.

“Demi-God, and before you ask, I didn’t know my parents,” she said popping out one of her hips trying to look badass, but feeling awkward. She really hoped he didn’t ask her to prove it in some way.

“Probably not Greek, they never had much of a sense of humour.” With that, the gang of Cyclops walked away.

It mustn’t have worried the rest of the crowd; no one had paid attention and the music hadn’t even stopped. She guessed the combination of growing up around monsters and being at a university party made them completely unflappable. This would come in handy.

It was time for her to stop concentrating on being accepted and get to work. Almost exactly as she thought it, she heard a scream coming from down the street. It must have been extremely loud to be heard over the music. The crowd ignored it.

The scream was coming from two streets down between the wall of the football stadium and a row of small houses. There was no light in the grassy area but the moon. When she turned the corner she saw a small figure in a wheelchair screaming. The figure was the size and shape of a child.

Hovering over the child like figure was a tall beefy man with a long bushy beard. It wore a baggy plaid shirt and jeans. The shirt was snitched at the waist with a metal chain.

“Leave the kid alone!” She yelled as she ran towards them.

The man looked up at her and his eyes were glowing red, his teeth were sharp and brown from dried blood. His hands had long metal claws. “This child is up after seven. He is mine.” The man spoke an archaic form French that Rachel barely understood. “I am the Seven O’clock man and I always get my meal.

Standing less than a few feet from the nauseating creature, Rachel grabbed a silver dagger with her left hand and one carved with Enochian runes in her right.

“Not this time,” she growled and dove at the monster. She really needed to work on her quips they were terrible.

The man was surprised at her attack and didn’t react fast enough to stop her from cutting his arm from shoulder to elbow. He screamed and tried to slash her with his good arm. She grabbed it and pulled him forward. As he was off balance, she sidestepped behind him and cut his throat. When that didn’t seem to kill him she plunged both daggers into its head.

She quickly cleaned her weapons and turned to the child. He had a beard. “Are you ok, kid?”

“I’m a graduate student in Metaphysical Transfiguration. I’m a Gnome, not a kid.” He watched her hands as she finished the ritual movements of cleaning her daggers. “I guess I’m next?”

“Why would I kill you? I just saved you.” She asked confused.

“I recognize a Huntress when I see one. Go ahead, kill me.”

“I’d rather not kill you,” she said.

“The last time this campus had a Huntress there were over a hundred deaths before she was caught and killed. If you don’t kill me, I have to tell the authorities that we have a batshit crazy killer running around.”

“I’m not a serial killer, I’m a demi-god,” she hoped that the lie would work. She didn’t want to kill the child-sized man in a wheelchair. “I only killed that thing because it was trying to eat you and I could hear your screams from two blocks over.”

“Oh. Sorry. My current condition makes me a little paranoid.” He pointed at the chair.

Having cleaned her weapons and then her hands with holy water, she reached out her hand to shake his. As they shook she said, “Rachel, Cryptozoology major.”

“Mind walking me back to my dorm? Looks like this party is attracting all kinds of attention.”

* * *

Hunting at night was easier after the first time. There wasn’t always a party and she often slipped into town to try and protect the locals. Her classes were another story completely. They were difficult and her teachers gave a lot of homework.

Every week she had six mandatory two hour classes, two four hour labs, and one optional class. For her optional class she had the choice between Magical History, Forgotten Mythology, and Divinatory Theory. She took the last one, hoping it might help her find what had killed her sister.

The teacher was a Hag, a race of women who were extremely ugly and had impressive amounts of magical power. They were what a Halloween witch was made to look like. Her matted grey hair and pointy chin bobbed up and down and she talked, “If you’re here in the hopes that I can teach you to get divinatory powers you’re sadly mistaken. This class will concentrate on the theory and history of divination, not it’s practice. Only one in a thousand have any sort of divinatory power and most of those only get gut feelings.”

That’s when Rachel saw someone sitting on a chair next to the teacher’s desk. It was the boy who’d almost gotten her killed. Dowan saw her looking at him and looked a little surprised before he winked at her. His eyes twinkled with mischief.

The teacher walked to the front of the class and stood in front of the chalkboard. Dowan followed her and stood next to her. A girl from the front row stood and joined them.

“Lift your hand if you see me,” the teacher ordered. Everyone lifted their hand and a few people giggled awkwardly.

“Lift your hand if you see me,” said the girl who was standing next to the teacher. Only half the class lifted their hand this time. There was some murmuring and confused giggles.

“Last but not least, lift your hand if you can see me in all my glory,” ordered Dowan. He obviously knew he was attractive.

Rachel rolled her eyes and lifted her hand. Looking around she saw that she and one other person had lifted their hand in a class of two-hundred students.

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