Blush Guest Post: Polyamory

Thank you to the contributors to all the guest posts for Blush and Fandom Travel! If anyone else is interesting in writing for either of these topics (and it can easily be kept anonymous!) please send me an email to jenericdesigns@gmail.com and we can discuss which topic you’d like to write about.

This week’s guest post is written anonymously. Please respect their privacy by not trying to guess who they are.


Image from www.polyinfo.org
Image from www.polyinfo.org

Being Polyamorous isn’t about sex; I think that’s a preconceived notion many people have about it; it’s about having a relationship. More specifically it’s that I have multiple relationships, some of varying degrees, but they’re all relationships with some kind of emotional connection. I think a lot of people assume that being poly is the same as having an open relationship, or being a swinger; that at the end of the day it’s just about having multiple sexual partners, it’s about “free love” and the likes; and while we are free to love, it’s not about all the things that 60’s anti-hippy propaganda films think. Our relationships can vary from being very good friends to marriage.

I personally learned about poly the old fashioned way, word of mouth. My partner and I made new friends, who led us to more friends, and through them we learned about it, and just how common it actually was, finding almost a network of different poly relationships, and that we were far more connected to it than we realized. We spoke about it and realized that it was something that caught our interest; we’d been together for a long time, and felt we were ready to take the plunge.

I can’t say that we have any specific labels for our version of poly, my first partner (the one I’m married to) is someone I generally refer to as my primary, but otherwise it’s pretty simple. Other people I’m with are partners, but not referring to them as my primary doesn’t mean I care about them any less. We get asked how it works fairly often, the answer is the same as for any relationship: communication, honesty, and time. Talk with each other, if something’s bothering you, let your partner(s) know. Be truthful, lying doesn’t help anyone, especially when more than two people are involved, and make sure you have time for everyone; if you can’t give someone the time they deserve, you might need to reassess and make time for them. Poly isn’t easy, but no relationship is. Give it the time and thought, and anyone can make it work.


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If Men are from Mars and Women from Venus why are we on Earth?

Hello,

I read this article titled, “My Wife Divorced Me Because I Left The Dishes By The Sink”

The article

I was going to share it on facebook, tag my wife and say, “Should I be worried?” Then I thought about it and it made me uncomfortable. Angry even.

If you don’t want to read the article, let me sum it up: Men and Women think differently and what’s not a big deal for you (cave)men, might be a big deal for your wife.

The message

The overall message seems to be: Listen to your partner and if they want you to do (or stop doing) something because it bothers them, you should listen to them.

In other words: Respect your partner enough to listen to them!

The Sexism

Beyond the message, however, I dislike everything about the article. It makes assumptions that are so sexist I had to make sure it wasn’t written in the 1950’s.

In the author’s world:

  • ALL women clean and take care of the house,
  • ALL men work outside the house,
  • ALL women are too passive to tell their husbands how they feel and will nag instead of telling them,
  • ALL men are too stupid to realize that by ignoring what your partner wants you’re disrespecting them and making them feel like shit.
  • That lack of communication only affects Cis-Gendered romantic relationships.

My Advice

I feel like I need to put my credentials before I give advice.

Credentials

  • I have a degree in communications and took multiple interpersonal communication classes,
  • I was raised by a single mother who worked as a social worker in a women’s shelter (among other jobs),
  • I’ve written 5.8 books, two of which are going to be published (Yeah I know that has nothing to do with it but I’m proud and excited),
  • Finally, I’ve been married for nearly 7 years (6 years 7 months and 16 days).

You only need three things

To be happy in a relationship you need three things and this isn’t anything new. You need Communication, Empathy, and Compromise.

That list may seem simple and common sense but nothing is easy when emotion takes over. You have to find a way to get to what you really want instead of getting angry or defensive.

Your significant other is a person, not a cartoon stereotype, if they’re getting upset there’s a reason and you should pay attention to it and, if it’s your fault, fix it.

Planets

Bet you thought I wouldn’t get back to the title right?

No matter what shape your relationship takes (Poly, Straight, Same-sex, etc.), you and your partner will always seem to be from other planets. People are different! The way they were raised, their experiences, their traumas, and their way of thinking are always going to be different. You have to accept that no matter how much you have in common, you’re completely separate people.

In that way, you can easily say you are from Mars and your partner is from Venus. You are as different as you are the same and that’s why we’re on Earth. It’s in between the two and represents the best compromise.

Find common ground and find compromise, you’re in a relationship not a dictatorship. The term Partner isn’t just to be inclusive, it represents what a truly good relationships is about being equal partners who share in the blame and the joy of life together.

Common Ground

Serial Story

We’re down to two stories left.

Read the ending from the stories and vote on your favourite. The poll will be open until Tuesday the 2nd at 11:59pm

Serial Story 2016 - Last Round

  • Wargrave Island (50%, 3 Votes)
  • The Ruby Child (50%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 6

Loading ... Loading ...

Wargrave Island

Genre: Murder Mystery
Inspiration: And Then There Were None, Sherlock Holmes

Read the Beginning

[…]

“What happened?” asked Jonathan, drunkenly staggering towards them, trying to get to the boat.

“What’s in there?” asked Zoe, who was followed by the rest of the party guests who must have seen the fire.

Riko tried to keep them back, but Jonathan made it past her and yelled, “Oh shit, there’s a dead body in there!”

The Ruby Child

Genre: Fantasy Adventure
Inspiration: Firefly, Eberron

Read the Beginning

[…]

As he watched, in complete amazement, the ruby transformed into a baby with glowing crimson hair. The infant gave a tiny giggle and opened its eyes. He expected red eyes, but was surprised to see little clones of his own dark green eyes staring back at him.

“Oh Boy,” he repeated.

 

What do you think of the article?

Éric

We’re a Team (Or why my Wife does the things I don’t want to.)

My wife went to New York last week and I was hit by the realization that I no longer have the complete skills it takes to survive alone.

Ok maybe I’m exaggerating but the fact that we’ve each specialized in certain tasks becomes more and more evident every year.

This might seems confusing or odd but when your partner is willing, and good, at doing something then it’s natural to let them do it. It frees your time and energy to do other things that you’re good at instead.

In a large group, my wife will do more talking that I will, no matter what group it is. She’s much better at approaching people at events.

On the flip side if we’re in a store I will automatically take the lead and speak with the staff.

There are countless other little things, like how she remembers people’s birthdays and reminds me.

This is an interesting phenomenon and makes me wonder if a lot of failed partnerships (romantic, business, friend, etc) are due to the fact that people don’t want to give up, or take, control of the same things.

Let’s say you ran a bakery and you loved kneading the bread but hated mixing it. If your partner was ok to mix it but wanted to knead it too, you’d have to compromise or tensions would be the only things rising. (Bread puns dough not get old.)

Maybe it’s not just about what comes naturally but what you’re willing to do even when you don’t want to.

Does this form of partnering, where you let the other do the stuff their better at, cause a loss of self or opportunities for self-discovery?

In theory it’s only by failing that we learn from our mistakes but if there’s someone there to help us prevent the mistakes does that mean we’re not learning? Does letting someone else remember all the details of Lord of the Rings make me less of a fan?

Good questions to ask. I obviously have a biased view. I think that having my wife do things that she’s good at, frees me up to do things I won’t be able too. Sometimes that ends terribly, like the time I decided to try and learn metal working (our poor table). And sometimes it ends well, like the time I decided to learn how to roast and flavour my own coffee (the end product is yummy, not sure if it’ll be profitable yet).

 

These are the types of things I think about while roasting coffee for 10+ hours.

Is there a task that your partner (business, Romantic, etc) takes care of that you’re extremely thankful you don’t need to do?

Eric