The Ridiculous Adventures of Felix Felicis – Part Five

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“Mister Felicis. Did you think getting rid of the scar on your face would be enough to fool me?” It must have been a rhetorical question because the oversized gangster continued to mumble at them, “I am greatly disappointed in the manner you chose to repay our friendship.”

“I’m not sure wh…” Felix tried to say but the other man cut him off.

“I don’t want to hear your honeyed excuses. Give me the diamond and I’ll spare your little girlfriend’s life.”

Again Felix was going to try and defend himself, but Miss Eris put her hand on his shoulder.

“I am sorry for the inconvenience we will cause you in the past sir. Was there something special about this diamond?” Miss Eris sounded calm and logical, something that soothed Felix’s frayed nerves. That was as long as he didn’t pay any attention to what she was saying.

It had been a bad birthday for Felix and he felt almost ready to give up. His apartment had been blown up, his family harassed by dinosaurs and a cyborg ape, and now he was lost in time being interrogated by mobsters. At least it couldn’t get any worse he thought.

“You have strained my patience and I believe it’s time to make an example of you,” The large man waved a sausage fingered hand and the goons pointed their guns menacingly.

“Wait, Wait,” Felix was about ready to give in and ask them to shoot him when he had an idea. “What does this diamond look like?”

Miss Eris and the mob boss looked at him as if he’d gone completely insane.

“It was the size of my fist and left to me from my grandmother. Perfect in every way,” The man replied.

“Your grandmother was perfect?” Felix asked incredulously.

“No, the diamond, you fool,” the man gestured to the goons and said, “shoot them already.”

Miss Eris grabbed his hand as the men opened fire and he felt a hot flash of pain on his face.

Once again the world went fuzzy and changed views quickly. He put his hand up to his face and it was bleeding a little. “They shot me. I’ve been shot.”

“It appears that way.” Miss Eris pulled a tissue from her pocket and dabbed at the wound. She pulled a little piece of paper and rubbed it on his face. It stung but stopped the pain. “This explains the scar.”

Someone cleared their throat. They were standing in the middle of a field between two armies. The armies were dressed in leather armour, one side held a banner of a dragon and the other of a snake. Standing beside them with weapons draw were two men who could be father and son.

The two men started yelling at them angrily in a language he didn’t recognize. “What are they saying?” he asked Miss Eris.

“I think they’re speaking Welsh,” she replied.

“and?” he asked

“I don’t speak Welsh.”

“Don’t you have a universal translator? Or something.” The two men were looking angry and had turned to point their rather nasty looking swords at them.

“Maybe we should leave.” he suggested.

“I think that might be prudent.”

Again the world went blurry, his stomach turned, and they were somewhere else.

“Ah you have arrived,” said a man with an Italian accent. His long white beard and intelligent eyes were instantly recognizable.

“Leonardo da Vinci?” Exclaimed Felix.

“Yes it is me. Do you have the diamond?” da Vinci wasn’t wearing traditional clothing, instead he wore what looked like a flight suit.

The floor shook and Felix took a few extra minutes to savour the confusion that had become his life before he accepted that they were no longer on earth but in some sort of space craft.

“No,” Felix said lamely.

Putting his hand on a button on the consol, da Vinci said, “Al, they’ve arrived but they don’t have the diamond. We need more time. Tell Tesla to stop showboating and start taking this seriously we need more time.” Turning to them he said, “I’m kinda busy right now. How about you go get that diamond and we can save humanity from the Sauren threat?”

Miss Eris grabbed his hand again and they shifted in time and space leaving behind da Vinci to continue the space dogfight.

Read Part 6

The Ridiculous Adventures of Felix Felicis – Part Four

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

With a hissing voice, a human sized reptile riding a giant cyborg ape declared, “Felix Felicis, you are tried by the Sauran court and found guilty of crimes against time and space. Prepare to die.”

It was strange and frightening; especially the part where the lizard was pointing a machine gun at him, but it wasn’t as frightening to Felix as knowing that they had bombed his apartment.

“If they had been smart they’d have taken my brother or niece hostage,” Felix shook his head at the lizard’s poor planning skills.

“What about your sister in-law?” asked the now familiar voice of Miss Eris. Like an annoying itch he couldn’t reach, she was still following him. She must have walked up to stand next to him while he was gawping at the cyborg ape and its rider. He was amazed at how quietly and quickly she could move in her heels.

“I don’t have one,” Felix answered.

“Oh?” she asked.

“My brother has a husband not a wife. I have no sister in-law but I do have a brother in-law,” he answered curtly.

“Ok. What about him?”

“What about him?” Felix was confused, having already forgotten what he’d muttered. He turned to her, looking down into her green eyes. He couldn’t decide if she was being purposely obtuse or just annoyingly innocent.

“Why wouldn’t the Sauran kidnap your brother in-law?”

“He’s in Amsterdam for work and won’t be home for a few weeks. It would be highly inefficient for them to take him as a hostage. There would be little chance I would find out in time for them to get anything out of it.”

“Excuse me. I believe we were in the middle of something,” hissed the lizard.

“Ah yes, you were about to execute me,” Felix said, standing to face the strange creatures.

“That’s better, now stand still,” the lizard seemed quite pleased with itself.

“Felix, you can’t do this,” whispered Miss Eris.

“Trust me,” he half whispered, half sighed. Raising his voice he yelled, “Oh my god, watch out behind you. It’s a bear with sharks for arms.” Pointing behind the lizard he tried to look panicked.

There were a lot of things that irked Felix, but only one thing that he hated. Pranks were vile tricks played by bored or mischievous people. If he had yelled that out in a normal situation, he’d consider it a prank. Now he considered it a distraction.

The moment the lizard’s head turned, Felix started running. He turned into an alley and hoped the lizard hadn’t seen him. He’d never admit it but he was worried that Miss Eris would fall for the distraction. She didn’t and was magically keeping up with him as he ran down alleys.

It didn’t take long for his ruse to be discovered, however he was surprised that it wasn’t the lizard but the cyborg ape that noticed. In a loud booming British voice the ape yelled, “Poor sport, my good man” and took chase.

“So what’s the plan,” asked Miss Eris. She didn’t seem out of breath at all.

“Right now… Just run… and find someplace to hide. Good it’s chasing me…” he wasn’t being sarcastic. He’d rather that they chase him rather than stay and hurt his family.

“Do you want my suggestion?” How was she not out of breath?

“I was thinking the subway station, they can’t fit into there.” There were some screams as the large ape crushed fences.

“Why don’t we hide in the past?” she asked not having the decency to sweat. She could be having a polite conversation in an air-conditioned room for all she showed strain.

“Don’t be silly,” he snapped.

“Oh you think the future? No, no, the past is safer. Harder to get to.” With that she slapped his back and the world melted around him.

In total darkness he stopped running. He felt her warm hand on his shoulder and felt a little nauseated. Then the world came back in a flash. He was standing in the same alley and looking out into the street, only the street was filled with antique cars.

“See, isn’t that better?” Miss Eris asked chipperly. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, there was a loud clicking noise.

Felix recognized the noise from a few old movies he liked. They were the sound of guns being cocked.

Three men in nice pinstriped suits walked around the corner. Then another three came up behind them, “Mister Felicis, the boss wants to talk to ya. And don’t go trying no disappearing acts again. You won’t surprise us twice.” With that the rat faced man who spoke gestured at him with his gun to start walking.

“Much better,” he grumbled at Miss Eris.

Read Part 5