Previously Posted at my Livejournal.
Here I am. This whole situation seems unreal. I need to write and I’m not sure why. I guess I’m scared. I’m leaving Ottawa and, metaphorically, everything it represents: home, school, support, security, strength.
I was uncomfortable in Toronto, the last two times I went. This should furthers my discomfort.
I’m not sure what will happen or what I’m going to do but this feels like one event that will mark me for the rest of my life. What will happen? I can only go with the flow, react with compassion and love.
Odd watching a movie, mimed to the sound of Cake. (In the greyhound you need to plug your earphones in their sound system to hear the movie but I chose to listen to music instead.) The bus is a normal Greyhound, nothing remarkable. The passengers seem to be the same but I’m sure they all have a story to tell. In a seat behind me sits an attractive girl, she looks like she’s been traveling a long time. Well equipped, she lies down to sleep on a makeshift pillow. All the rest seem just as average.
In the station I saw woman, Asian maybe, she walked around the station with a bright green suitcase, the kind that you pull, it seemed bigger then her. She was in her late teens a little woman with few curves. As I got into the bus I saw the suitcase standing alone in the middle of the station. I wonder why it was alone, I wonder what happened.
I love my father and I wish him no harm. I wish, as all people do, that it was happening to someone else. I don’t think that I will get there and everything will be wonderful, I just want to see my dad. I want him to know that I care and that I carry no hard feelings.
Well the board is set, the pieces in movement, the players nervous and now all I can do is be strong and caring, If not for him then for myself.
The 22nd of March 2005. 10:06 am.
Well I’m home now and in front of my computer. No longer does fear assail my heart, well not much anyways. I went yesterday to Toronto and met my dad and his wife and two of their friends. I haven’t seriously spent time with him in 5 years. Allot changes in five years and even more becomes exaggerated in a young mans mind. We spent a nice evening together, spoke of my family and how everyone is doing. We were all scared but joked most of the night. I never realised that his sense of humour was so close to mine. I think things went well because he wasn’t trying to be a parent anymore. He just wanted to be with his son. It was like hanging out with friends. Sadly I can no longer vilify my dad’s wife; I can see why he’s with her.
My dad and his friend drove me back to the Bus station at 11:30pm to grab the bus at 12. (My Dad couldn’t drive me alone. He’s considered legally blind.) We hugged and said our goodbyes. It was a typical male moment. It was nice.
On the trip back I talked to different people and finally fell asleep. I woke up a few times and when I go to Kanata, I took the 96 home and crawled in bed. The only problem with traveling to Toronto and back in under 24hours, is that I now feel (physically) like shit. Emotionally I’m great but I think I’ll take tomorrow to relax and then the long weekend to work on the things I’ve been putting off.
I received to phone calls today. The first was from Doris (Dad’s wife). The operation went well; they took 35% of the tumour out. Sadly they think it might be cancerous but they won’t know till the tests come in. Besides that he’s ok, no side effects and the headaches are gone. He’s will be back home tomorrow. They scheduled him for an appointment in 3 weeks and we’ll know more then. Middle of my 3 exams… sigh.
The second was from my mom. It’s strange realising that your parents are just normal human beings. She spoke with me for a while and I realise that maybe some of my anger towards him came from her. I don’t blame her though. He left her pregnant and didn’t talk to her till I was 1. He was 18 at the time and probably had no clue. She’s still hurt and I think in her own emotional way (I guess that’s where I get it.) she’s afraid that if I have a close relationship with my dad it will hurt the one I have with her. She’s sort of jealous that she can’t be in that part of my life. I love my parents but they’re just human. It makes me feel good and a little scared. It’s odd when the omnipotence of parents is proven false.
I have spoken to many people about this subject and the reactions I got surprised me. Many thought that I would be better off dealing with the whole situation if I had a girlfriend or a religion. I guess religion would have been comfort when I thought he was going to die. It would have been a comfort if I truly believed in an afterlife. Just knowing for sure that he was going to a better place would have been nice. I had to deal with it differently; I hoped he was going to a better place. I hoped that there was a higher being that was watching over him but these are concepts that I have a hard time believing in. I don’t want to believe the alternative, so what I do is decide to figure it out later.
The girlfriend thing surprises me a great deal more. I knew that religion was a comfort but a girlfriend? I guess I can see where I close partner could help me, comfort me and listen to me. A girlfriend might have helped me not be so grumpy for the past 2 weeks. According to some people sex is the cure for everything. Harrumph! I’d rather be playing D&D. I wouldn’t have minded a girlfriend to help me through this but to put it up there with religion?
I must either be strong or have a good support network because I came out of it stronger, and I thing I’ll be ok for what ever comes next. It was nice having real friends there for me and giving me there support despite the fact that I wasn’t in the greatest of moods, it wasn’t so nice to be attacked personally but let’s not start this again.
One last thing, some of you might be wondering why I don’t put things like this in the friends only section or why I don’t stop people from commenting or even delete nasty comments? The answer is easy, I write to work through things. I become more at peace when I write. The Lj system incites me to write because then I can come back and reread what I said and what others had to say on certain situations. If I write on this, I might as well let anyone read it and if anyone has to read this then they should have the right to respond. So there it is. I get peace of mind therefore you should get the chance to comment on it.
The 23rd of March 2005. 11:02 pm.