For the next few weeks, both Blush posts and Fandom Travel posts will be guest posts. Thank you to the contributors! If anyone else is interesting in writing for either of these topics (and it can easily be kept anonymous!) please send me an email to email@example.com and we can discuss which topic you’d like to write about.
This week’s guest post is written anonymously by kitten. Please respect their privacy by not trying to guess who they are.
I guess preconceived notions about what someone would look like when they live a certain lifestyle come with everything: you expect a high powered executive to always be dressed in a suit with shiny shoes, a plumber to have pants that can’t stay up and someone in the BDSM lifestyle to look edgy with lots of tattoos and always in leather with a very obvious collar on their neck. I’m probably the furthest from what you’d expect, and aside from the black ribbon around my neck and the ring that says “collared” as well as my Dom’s fingerprint engraved into it, you’d probably never know that my Dom and I are in the scene.
I didn’t intend to become a part of this lifestyle. I actually remember very well when it piqued my interest: I was sitting in a summer course, chatting with a male friend of mine while another student was doing a presentation (yes, I know I should have been paying attention, but I still got a great mark in that class). My male friend started to tell me about some of the exploits he and his girlfriend had been trying out. The more he told me, the more questions I had for him, and the more curious I was about it. I did what any good student did: I researched. I found blogs and books and devoured them all. The more I read, the more I felt like something clicked inside: this fits me.
But all of the research and reading in the world couldn’t give me the experience that would prove that I wasn’t just enthralled by the idea of it all. I needed to try it out with a partner. I brought up the idea to my then fiance, and while he tried once to give me what I was asking for, it always felt like he was just playing a part. I needed to be with someone that was inherently Dominant. Someone that had the knowledge, the intuition, that it was as much of a part of them as their eye colour is. It wasn’t until I separated from my ex-husband that I was finally able to get that experience.
I didn’t choose the best person for that first experience; I chose the most convenient person. Considering they are very well known in the area, I’ll keep the details to myself other than saying be very, very careful about choosing a play partner. There are a number of people masquerading as “Dominants” who are just emotional manipulators. Listen to your instincts and talk to other people that know them. Get references. (Sounds extreme, but if you’re into extreme play, it is very important.)
All that said, I’m happy to have discovered that this is part of my sexuality. My current partner and I are in a 24/7 relationship, though we don’t always have kinky sex. If asked, I will tell you, though I don’t shout my sexual tendencies from the rooftops. My belief is that what happens in my bedroom is my business between my partner and myself and that I do not need anyone else’s opinions or judgements there.
As much as sexuality and gender identity can run across the spectrum, so can the degrees of what people consider to be “kinky” sex. Our version of kink includes bondage, pain play like hair pulling or biting, and impact play like spanking (either hand or with an implement like a crop or a whip), and exhibitionism. These kind of scenes take a while to set up and get ready, which doesn’t always make them feasible when we both work long days. It’s easier when we go to a BDSM club in town (yes, Ottawa has them; don’t look so shocked) because they have the set up for crosses, ceiling hooks for suspensions, tables, etc all set up.
When we do play, we use a pretty easy set of safe words: green, yellow, and red. They work just as you think they would; green is good to go, yellow is slow down and give me a bit of a break, red is STOP. We decided that these work best for us because it is what Dungeon Masters (safety/security monitors that makes sure everyone plays safely) in clubs ask for. It just made sense so we wouldn’t have to try and adjust our usual play for a night out.
Never, NEVER play with someone that won’t let you use safe words unless you have talked about it extensively beforehand. Part of the appeal of BDSM is that element of danger in a safe space, much like riding a motorcycle. But you or your partner could be seriously hurt (physically, mentally, and/or emotionally) if you don’t use a safe word and continually check in. I know some people have been with their partners for so long that they don’t use safe words any longer, and that some Dom/mes (typically, Dom means males and Dommes means females, but there are any number of titles for both, as well as for non-binary Dominants) won’t let their submissives use them; those are not people that I would ever consider playing with and I’d suggest the same for anyone new to the scene.
There are some BDSM elements that are a part of my daily life: my Dom gets a picture of my outfit every day to approve before I leave the house, I always have to wear my day collar when I’m out and away from him, and he always needs to know where I am, who I am with, and when to expect me home. I have different rules when we are out in scene: I don’t talk to anyone without his approval first, I don’t make eye contact with other Dom/mes, I wear my play collar and my leash is attached to him unless one of us is going to the bathroom. If it’s me, he waits outside the bathroom for me, if it’s him, he will give me leash to either a Dom he trusts or a Dungeon Master in a club. Some days I act like a bit of a brat and push back and argue with him about my rules; that usually results in a punishment spanking for me. That said, when I am truly upset or aggravated about one of my rules, he is ALWAYS willing to discuss it. Having the door open for communication is of primary importance for us both.
I imagine that my sexuality and turn ons will always evolve and change, and I’m open to that. Being aware of who I am, of what I want and need, took me a long time to accomplish, so I wear my Day Collar with pride. As Dolly Parton said, “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”
Jen has graciously offered to be a conduit for any questions that may pop up, and I’m happy to answer the best I can. If I feel like it is out of my realm of knowledge, I’ll try to help you find a good resource.
That’s my view; have fun, and play safely.
A good resource for people with questions would be FetLife. You will be required to sign up to access it.
Another great resource is A Submissive’s Initiative. There are tons of resources to be found through this page as well.