Queer

Hello Family, Friends, and Fans;

Let’s talk about The Masks… no, not that one…

What’s a Mask?

A person masks when they don’t feel safe or comfortable being themselves. It’s a persona that you put on that isn’t quite you.

Queer Mask

I grew up in a small town at the end of the twentieth century and any form of Queer was frowned upon. Gay was not something people were allowed to be. It was a schoolyard insult along with all it’s pejoratives. The few examples of bisexuality I saw in media were quickly erased (Willow from Buffy) or just there to titillate (Mirror Universe DS9).

That means as a teen I wore a mask of “straight male”; even if I didn’t fully understand who I was, I knew I wasn’t allowed to mention how cute Brendan Fraser was, wear too bright colours, stand with my hip out, walk with too much hip movement, like romantic comedies, or a million other things that would make people call me gay.

Despite having a very supportive family and an aunt who was gay, the society at the time was oppressive.

I’m still working on dropping this mask and I’ve mostly managed to shrug it off, but I still fall back on it when meeting new people. A lot of people, especially in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community still have prejudices against bisexuals.

Neurodivergent Mask

I’m still learning about neurodivergent masking but think of it like trying your best to not freak people out but those same people never tell you what freaks them out. Instead, you learn by people avoiding you, telling you you’re annoying, making fun of you, calling you names that trivialize mental health, call you a know-it-all, or nerd.

My natural expression is mostly neutral and I was teased for it by kids and teachers in grade school. In high school, I decided that I would show my emotions outwardly more. At first it was exhausting but after a few years it became second nature. Now when I’m with friends I still fall back into the, what feels like, over exaggerated part of me.

It’s just one thing that I have trained myself to do to avoid conflict or trouble. No one mistakes you for serious when you say sarcastic things in an exaggerated voice.

As much as I’ve masked in this way, I’m not great at keeping my infodumping or chattiness in check, to the point that I’ve had co-workers and bosses laugh about it. Because of autism, I’m never sure if they’re laughing at me or just laughing, and the Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria tells me it’s always laughing at me.

Geek Mask

Most likely tied to the other two is my nerdy/geeky side. I’m the absolute worst at hiding this but in grade school I was mocked incessantly for liking things. Seriously strange that our society likes to mock people for liking things. I had a Jurassic Park sweater that I would have worn until it died if I hadn’t been shamed into never wearing it.

Most new people, unless I’m at a geeky event, won’t hear about my geeky side. Not until they bring something up that triggers a mini rant or discussion.

It’s the mask that has never been worn with family and rarely with close friends. I will nerd out about all kinds of things.

What it means to unmask

Unmasking is the idea of being yourself and doing what makes you feel comfortable rather than what makes others comfortable. I’ve been trying my best to do this at home and be myself completely but there are still things that I have trouble letting myself be.

It’s also really exhausting to constantly analyze who’s safe, who isn’t, and about what. Some are okay with Bi people but think D&D is weird, others are fine with board games but think getting easily distracted is a personal weakness. When I say social interactions are exhausting, that’s what I mean. It’s hard hiding.

I know I’m privileged and safer than most, but that doesn’t change my experiences and traumas around who I am and how I hide it.

That’s what I mean when I talk about masking.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric