Tired

Random Updates from Éric

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Hello family, friends, and fans,

Some weeks are hard. This was one of those weeks. I’ve been working through a lot of emotions. Among them is the fact that I’m still in pain. I know that a new physio for two weeks isn’t going to fix everything, but I was secretly hoping.

Let’s break this down into categories:

Writing

I’m currently finishing the longest running project I’ve ever had (started in 2016) and I’m really hoping to be done by summer. It’s going slowly, mostly because of pain, and I worry it’s crap but at least I’m having fun writing it.

Family Life

I’m trying my best to be a good father and a good husband. I know that I haven’t always been perfect; I’m a little whiny and I over explain and analyze everything but I’m trying. This week I’ve felt like I’m not enough and that’s really frustrating.

Work

I have a similar issue at work. I think it’s time for me to find something new. I’m fairly certain that within a year, my position will be cut and after 15 years, it’s time to do something new. The problem with that is because of my health issues and lack of return to full time work, it’s not easy for me to convince anyone to hire me. So I feel a little trapped.

Health

I’m seeing a team consisting of a physiotherapist, kinesiologist, and occupational therapist. They are trying to help me get back to work.

While they’re doing that, I have an MRI for my head, neck, and back set up for mid July.

Dad

My father’s birthday was earlier this month. He passed away at the age of 47 from brain cancer.

He was 40 when he was diagnosed. Considering my health issues, it’s hard for me not to worry about this year. (I’m turning 40 in July.)

It’s one of the reasons I’m really glad that I got that MRI. At the very least we’ll know something. The MRI should be able to detect brain lesions from MS or brain tumours. Hopefully there’s nothing to find.

Mental Health

With all of the above I’m struggling, but my occupational therapist is helping me find coping mechanisms and to rationalize instead of spiralling. That part is helping and I’m trying to be kind to myself.

How have you been?

Be kind and stay safe,

Éric

Vacation ending… :-(

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Hello,

Looks like today is my last day of vacation. It’s sad but I’ll take another week at the end of June and then hopefully another in mid July. Those will be better. It’ll be nice to spend time with the kids.

I’m going to enjoy my last day by spending time with my kids, playing videogames, and maybe I’ll take them to Walmart and check out the discount chocolate.

Later days,

Éric

Health Update April 2023

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Hello Friends, family, and fans;

As I mentioned in March, I did the nerve conduction test with a very condescending neurologist.

Yesterday I had an appointment at the speciality clinic. My very nice occupational therapist (OT) went through a bunch of questions and asked me about a bunch of things. She then did some physical tests and went off to talk to the doctor.

I told her I was worried about the vision problems and the numbness in my face and my worries about MS. She said she’d talk to the doctor. She also said that that was normally something a family doctor dealt with and not them. They are concentrating on the neurologist’s conclusion that it’s muscular.

The doctor came in and asked me more questions and then asked, “What is bothering you more.” I told him it was the pain that bothered me more, but the face that scared me more. His reply was, “Okay then. Let’s focus on the pain.”

So the plan now is to have me see a doctor that specializes in pain and put me with a group consisting of a physiotherapist, a therapist, and my OT. They’ll run special rehab and physio for me two or three times a week. I’m kinda happy about that, since it’ll save us some money on physio that is only covered 80% usually.

I’ll be honest, I’m a little underwhelmed. It’s been 10 months of this and I haven’t had an x-ray or any other tests on the part of my arms that hurt. I’ve had one type of test, no imaging, and this feels very flimsy as a diagnosis. (Is it wrong that I want something definitive?)

The clinic people are really nice and I think they have my best interests at heart, but I feel like they’re focussed on getting me back to work and not really figuring out what’s wrong with me.

I asked again about MS and the OT said that if there had been any signs, the neurologist would have noticed and that the doctor is trusting that. It’s not very comforting, but I’ll have to trust them for now.

I doubt the balance issues, clumsiness, brain fog, trouble sleeping, numbness in my face, and vision issues are due to muscular issues in my arms. I’ll do what they say (I don’t have much choice) and hope it helps, but I’m not convinced. If this doesn’t help, I’ll have to try and see if my family doctor is willing to run a parallel investigation (if he hasn’t fully retired by then).

It’s been a hard week. Glad it’s over and now I can enjoy spending time with my family over the long weekend.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Long COVID?

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

I swear I’ll get back to writing about writing and how cute my kids are soon.

Two years ago, my family and I went to Disney World. Baby Pegasus, at 7 months, got sick. He had a moderate fever and we were leaving that day.

As I was playing with him, he sneezed into my mouth. Parenting is sooo glamorous.

Sick baby Pegasus lying on the floor asleep

We did what we thought was best and took him home as fast as I we could. At the airport, we gave him crushed up tylenol and hoped for the best.

I started feeling off on the plane. By the time we got home, I had chills, aches, and a fever too. We visited the clinic and the doctor said that both of our lungs were clear and to keep an eye out for trouble breathing. She said, “Even if it’s the new virus, we don’t have the testing to check.”

Jen and Dragon had mild fevers, but nothing else.

The next few days were a blur of pain and half sleep. I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t have the kids snuggle me without pain in my chest. Everything hurt like I’d sprained it. Nothing I’ve ever experienced compared to the amount of constant pain. (Keep in mind that I once needed to have my throat lanced from a blister caused by strep throat.)

I was so weak that I couldn’t make coffee. That sounds like a joke, but I have a point. When I recovered enough to try and restart my normal routine, I started making myself coffee. I didn’t like the taste. It was warm and mildly sweet, but there was nothing else there. I tried to make it stronger and couldn’t tell.

In retrospect, I should have come to the conclusion that I’d caught COVID, but things were stressful and I was going back to work after my parental leave. I assumed I just needed to get my taste for it back. I also remember at that time, that I only really enjoyed salty or spicy food because it was all I could taste.

Father and son knocked out and feeling terrible.

Over the past two years I’ve noticed a few things about myself:

  • I am easily irritable
  • It’s harder to catch my breath
  • I started having trouble sleeping even when exhausted
  • I’m always tired
  • I’m always fatigued
  • I have a harder time concentrating
  • I forget stuff
  • I constantly have a headache

I thought it was the baby not sleeping, the stress of a worldwide pandemic, or returning to work.

Looking back through I see that some of those things have been getting better. I can now taste coffee although it does taste different. Even though it smells the same, it feels like weird Berenstain Bears Effect. The fatigue is getting better. I used to be able to do one thing a day and I’d be wiped. Showering would destroy all my energy and now it’s back to making me feel better.

I still have a lot of the other issues, the fatigue combined with insomnia is hardest to deal with. It makes me hate going to sleep. I also wake up in all kinds of pain.

So… I guess I have long COVID, and according to my doctor, there’s nothing I can do about it. Thankfully I work from home and have an amazing family.

My big worry is if it affected the kids. How the hell do you tell if it affected a 3yo or 7mo? They’ve changed so much that there’s no real way to tell. It seems like they’re fine and I really hope they don’t suffer any long-term effects.

Hopefully, with full vaccination and some common sense we can avoid this happening to them because I’m telling you, it sucks. I feel like I’ve aged twenty years.

Very serious faces from father and Pegasus

When someone tells you, “It’s just a cold” or “We should just get it over with,” they’re wrong. Get vaccinated, wash your hands, wear a mask, and don’t get it if you can avoid it.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Horsefeathers and Freedom

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

Currently there’s a large caravan of truckers going to protest on Parliament Hill. This vocal minority (I mean that. The trucker’s union and the vast majority of truckers don’t agree with them) is also associated with with some scary right wing activists, some of whom are calling for violence.

They are protesting because they believe it’s their right to not be vaccinated and not follow public health recommendations. Basically they are anti-vaxx, anti-mask, and anti-passport.

Images with words that read, “A convoy of nurses, doctors and health care workers are going to work and they have been every day. Support that!”

They are calling this a Freedom Protest.

I want my freedom back.

The freedom to go grocery shopping without worrying that some asshat will spread a deadly virus.

The freedom to send my child to school with proper health measures, ventilation, and knowing that their classmates will be protected by medical science.

The freedom to not worry about my friends and family who are already sick getting something that could kill them.

The freedom to not worry about getting hurt and not being seen at the hospital because the medical community is understaffed, underpaid, overworked, and swamped by chucklefucks who refuse a completely safe vaccine.

The freedom to fly and travel without being needlessly exposed to diseases.

I am so fucking tired of explaining that it’s not normal that we’ve lost THOUSANDS of people to this virus, that the vaccine is safe, and that the effects of long covid are devastating.

I am tired of explaining to entitled, whiny, and selfish people that we live in a society and it’s all our responsibilities to take care of each other. Those that can’t be vaccinated or who could die from this disease because they are already sick are NOT expendable.

There is hope. For every loud-mouthed schnook there are hundreds or thousands of reasonable people. It may seem that as a society are are more and more polarized, but it’s mostly the small minority of angry loudmouths who are “full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.”

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Focus and too much of it

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

I’m a very focused person. Probably not in the way you’re thinking. I’m not particularly goal oriented. If I were, I wouldn’t need my new year’s goals. I’m not going to make any lists of hot up-and-coming business people.

What I do have is an inability to let something go until it’s done or I’ve given up. Currently, I’m fighting with a smart light fixture that refuses to be smart. It’s consumed my thoughts and my actions. So much so, that I couldn’t think of anything else to write.

This focusing is super helpful when I’m working on a project or writing a novel. It pushes me and I can use it to get over the slumps. It isn’t, however, useful when I have no control over the situation. It’s also very unhelpful when I have other things to do.

The satisfaction of being done with the subject of the focus is great and long lasting. But it’s not always fun and can lead to me being grumpy or distracted until I finish or fix the issue.

The Endless Fight by the Awkward Yeti
Mildly relevant in that when I’m very focused, I feel like my brain and heart are fighting.

I’m told this is a trait of both ADHD and Autism. I’ve never been diagnosed with either, but the more I read about it, the more I’m confused and wondering if I may have one, the other, or both.

I’ve developed tricks and habits to make sure the focus isn’t detrimental to my health or those around me, but it’s stressful.

There are different levels of focus, of course. The light fixture thing is something I don’t want to have to worry about any more so it’s more immediate. Writing a book is easier and less frustrating in its pull.

I’m fine and I’m not asking for help. I just needed to vent and let you know that if you feel the same, you’re not alone.

I’ve always been this way, but I’ve started to recognize it more in the past year or so. The lack of commute, activities, and other larger distractions have given me time to be more introspective.

Hopefully that’s a good thing.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Please, sir, I want some vaccine

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

The Ontario government said that this week (Week of May 17) the over 30 year olds would be able to book their vaccine.

Unlike most responsible people, I tried first thing at 7am after rolling out of bed. No coffee, no breakfast, not even my morning washroom usage.

Things went fantastically well. (I should have known it was too easy.) I booked an appointment for me and then I tried to book for my wife. She’s only 1.5 years younger so it should have been just as easy… right?

Nope.

She wasn’t eligible. So I tried my info again and I wasn’t eligible.

So now I had an appointment when I wasn’t supposed to and couldn’t get one for my wife.

What do I do? I called the provincial hotline. They were closed. I waited until they were supposed to be open. Sat through 5 minutes of information, pressed the buttons, was put on hold and the system hung up on me. It happened twice more and then I got to talk to a person.

The nice man at the call centre didn’t know how I got an appointment; we think I clicked something that I shouldn’t have. So he cancelled my appointment. I asked when I’d be eligible and he said he didn’t know.

Now I have no appointment and spent a stressful morning.

I’m sure this isn’t an indication of how the rest of the week will go. (Why do I hear boss music?)

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

Stand aside Mos Eisley Spaceport, you’ve got some competition. Yes, I mean Facebook, although the internet at large is quite bad.

Please, no advice is required.

Over the past week I’ve been procrastinating taking breaks from editing by reading my news feed. Here’s a short list of things that I’ve read that have made me wonder if Ultron was being too generous:

  • Defending a celebrity who’s been accused of sexual assault with the incel call to arms, “Innocent until proven guilty.”
  • Same person and same post then doing self promotion for their product.
  • People telling disabled people to call ahead or just wait outside because it’s too expensive to make things accessible. (I personally think there should be a government subsidy to make these things accessible and not bankrupt businesses, but I’m a deluded socialist.)
  • That there’s some sort of shame in watching films with Closed Captioning. (I took media communications and I had 4 separate professors; film, music, feminism, and advertising encourage us to use CC as often as possible to catch all the details of what was happening and intended.)
  • Someone posting a poem on a writers group comparing men to vagabond ships and women to the anchors that keep them from straying. (This devolved into him saying I was too argumentative and was headed for divorce, followed by being called a fairy, and being told I was going to hell.)

And that’s not even mentioning all the Anti-vaxx pro-plague comments on every Covid-19 post.

So this week I’ve been called:

  • Anti-Business
  • Communist (Starting to think this isn’t an insult.)
  • Fairy (Definitely not an insult. Fear my sparkling wrath.)
  • Unable to love
  • Headed for divorce (my wife laughed at this. She practically guffawed. It was adorable.)
  • Going to hell
  • Child abuser (because I want my kids immunized)
  • Snowflake
  • Tru-anon cultist
  • MeToo Groupie
  • Anti-law
  • Pitchfork carrying mob
  • A Shill (BTW Big-Pharma, Liberal Party, NDP, Big-Agriculture, #MeToo, and disabled community, I’m still waiting on those e-transfers.)

I’m not saying I’m perfect and always right, but I try to follow simple rules. Listen to the victims, listen to those affected/minorities, listen to science, and listen credible sources.

I’ve been called on internalized toxic opinions and I’m trying to grow.

If your first reaction is to get defensive when someone asks for help, you should maybe check why and re-evaluate your opinion.

It might be time to lessen my social media scrolling for a while and find another way to procrastinate take breaks from editing.

Stay safe and stay kind,

Éric

My Kids are cute…

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

My kids are so freaking cute. Seriously look at this:

I’m not boasting, I’m trying to remind myself.

Pegasus is teething his second set of molars so that means more wake-ups and lots of screaming. Dragon is not dealing well with the lack of routine during March break… Basically the two of them have been screaming and being difficult.

I have a headache, Jen has a headache, the kids ache, and I think we’re all looking forward to getting back to a “regular” routine. Normally, I’d have taken them to the park or shopping or maybe even to a museum but *shrugs* Covid.

Next week, I turn back on my work computer, Dragon and Jen go back to doing school and Pegasus goes back to climbing me and trying to help with my work. It sounds soothing and exausting.

This will pass, every day Pegasus starts to talk more and by Christmas we’ll have mini sentences. Dragon is learning more and more words, letters, and sounds. I wouldn’t be surprised if by this time next year she’s reading. That’ll be nice.

My kids are loud, they are very touchy, and those are things I’ll miss, but sometimes it’s all a little too much. It’s important to remember that they are adorable and I love them lots and lots.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric