The Ridiculous Adventures of Felix Felicis – Part Four

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With a hissing voice, a human sized reptile riding a giant cyborg ape declared, “Felix Felicis, you are tried by the Sauran court and found guilty of crimes against time and space. Prepare to die.”

It was strange and frightening; especially the part where the lizard was pointing a machine gun at him, but it wasn’t as frightening to Felix as knowing that they had bombed his apartment.

“If they had been smart they’d have taken my brother or niece hostage,” Felix shook his head at the lizard’s poor planning skills.

“What about your sister in-law?” asked the now familiar voice of Miss Eris. Like an annoying itch he couldn’t reach, she was still following him. She must have walked up to stand next to him while he was gawping at the cyborg ape and its rider. He was amazed at how quietly and quickly she could move in her heels.

“I don’t have one,” Felix answered.

“Oh?” she asked.

“My brother has a husband not a wife. I have no sister in-law but I do have a brother in-law,” he answered curtly.

“Ok. What about him?”

“What about him?” Felix was confused, having already forgotten what he’d muttered. He turned to her, looking down into her green eyes. He couldn’t decide if she was being purposely obtuse or just annoyingly innocent.

“Why wouldn’t the Sauran kidnap your brother in-law?”

“He’s in Amsterdam for work and won’t be home for a few weeks. It would be highly inefficient for them to take him as a hostage. There would be little chance I would find out in time for them to get anything out of it.”

“Excuse me. I believe we were in the middle of something,” hissed the lizard.

“Ah yes, you were about to execute me,” Felix said, standing to face the strange creatures.

“That’s better, now stand still,” the lizard seemed quite pleased with itself.

“Felix, you can’t do this,” whispered Miss Eris.

“Trust me,” he half whispered, half sighed. Raising his voice he yelled, “Oh my god, watch out behind you. It’s a bear with sharks for arms.” Pointing behind the lizard he tried to look panicked.

There were a lot of things that irked Felix, but only one thing that he hated. Pranks were vile tricks played by bored or mischievous people. If he had yelled that out in a normal situation, he’d consider it a prank. Now he considered it a distraction.

The moment the lizard’s head turned, Felix started running. He turned into an alley and hoped the lizard hadn’t seen him. He’d never admit it but he was worried that Miss Eris would fall for the distraction. She didn’t and was magically keeping up with him as he ran down alleys.

It didn’t take long for his ruse to be discovered, however he was surprised that it wasn’t the lizard but the cyborg ape that noticed. In a loud booming British voice the ape yelled, “Poor sport, my good man” and took chase.

“So what’s the plan,” asked Miss Eris. She didn’t seem out of breath at all.

“Right now… Just run… and find someplace to hide. Good it’s chasing me…” he wasn’t being sarcastic. He’d rather that they chase him rather than stay and hurt his family.

“Do you want my suggestion?” How was she not out of breath?

“I was thinking the subway station, they can’t fit into there.” There were some screams as the large ape crushed fences.

“Why don’t we hide in the past?” she asked not having the decency to sweat. She could be having a polite conversation in an air-conditioned room for all she showed strain.

“Don’t be silly,” he snapped.

“Oh you think the future? No, no, the past is safer. Harder to get to.” With that she slapped his back and the world melted around him.

In total darkness he stopped running. He felt her warm hand on his shoulder and felt a little nauseated. Then the world came back in a flash. He was standing in the same alley and looking out into the street, only the street was filled with antique cars.

“See, isn’t that better?” Miss Eris asked chipperly. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, there was a loud clicking noise.

Felix recognized the noise from a few old movies he liked. They were the sound of guns being cocked.

Three men in nice pinstriped suits walked around the corner. Then another three came up behind them, “Mister Felicis, the boss wants to talk to ya. And don’t go trying no disappearing acts again. You won’t surprise us twice.” With that the rat faced man who spoke gestured at him with his gun to start walking.

“Much better,” he grumbled at Miss Eris.

Read Part 5

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