Hello Friends, Family, and Fans;
Learning more about yourself is rewarding but it’s also painful and infuriating. It sometimes feels like there is a chorus of gremlins in my brain yelling at me. I know that my intrusive thoughts are me and I know that they are not me at the same time. (Intrusive thoughts are the random thoughts that pop up and say things like, “I should jump off this building” or “I wonder if this knife could stab through a person.” It can also be the little voice that says you suck, etc.)
My brain is loud, with lots of noise, music, random quotes, and yelling. It’s normally okay and I can usually tell that little jerk of a brain to shut up. The problem is when something bad happens. Then my mind starts telling me I’m worthless and nobody likes me.
Everything is connected, so when I spiral emotionally, it triggers migraines and that screws with my sight, balance, coordination, and depression.
This happened a few weeks ago. There’s this thing I applied to and had been doing annually, but in 2023 I wasn’t asked to participate. The same happened in 2024, and then I got the email that again this year I won’t be involved. It makes me wonder if I did something wrong or if I’m not good enough.
The whole thing had me mentally and physically sick. My RSD and imposter syndrome kicked into high gear and I was a mess. I’m feeling better now. I’m working my way out of it.
What bothers me is that I’m still not sure what happened. The only three things I can think of are that the organizers hate me, don’t think I’m good enough, or forgot about me. (There’s always the chance that I screwed up the application?)
I don’t know what is happening or if it’s just all in my head.
I know that I should probably talk to someone (I mean the organizers. I will definitely be talking about it to my therapist.) but I have no idea how to do it without making things worse. So I’ve come to the conclusion that the only thing I can do is keep going on. I’ll smile and be polite until I either know what happened, don’t care, or the situation fixes itself.
I’m not looking for advice. I’m writing so that anyone else reading who may have the same issues, knows they’re not alone.
Be kind and stay safe,
Éric