Hello My Imaginary Friends,
As I lay on the couch trying not to think of all things I should be doing. I kept coming back to scary thoughts of what this concussion could do to me. I wrote about what happened last week.
I was afraid I’d lose parts of myself. What if I didn’t enjoy reading anymore? What if I couldn’t write coherently? What if my personality had changed? What if my inability to find the right word didn’t go away? What if I had forgotten something important?
Between the stress of perceived deadlines and the above questions it’s no wonder I went against the doctor’s orders and started to read. I lost myself in a fun novel and it helped calm me down.
Those pesky questions were still there. I was reminded of a movie from the late nineties called Safe House. I haven’t seen it since 1999. I have no idea if it aged well over the past 17 years.
The movie, from what I remember, is about an ageing spy who was dealing with Alzheimer’s. The major tension came from trying to figure out if he was truly in danger or if it was all fueled by the disease. The concept of losing oneself terrifies me more than any horror movie ever could.
I had a few long and scary nights. Honestly I’m still worried about it. I’m writing this in advance to give myself ample convention recovery time. At the moment I’m still fighting with headaches and a little confusion.
I’m worried about what will happen if they never go away. What if this is me now. This is my life?
It absolutely could be worse. I can still read and after this post, and a few others, I’m fairly sure I’m still capable of writing. What really scares me isn’t what I know is wrong but what I don’t know that I’ve lost.
I guess philosophically it shouldn’t matter but is still scares me. I mean, if I don’t know, I can’t miss it… right?
Maybe I’ll get lucky and this will activate my X-Gene…
Protect your heads!
Éric