LG 05-10-2007 “Ode to J—“

Previously Posted at my Livejournal. Written for my great aunt that died around that time.

Ode to J—

Sticky notes, little scares of love guiding us,
Electrical tape over the TV buttons to stop me,
Swiss Chalet,
Readers Digest,
Crash test dummies at Toys are Us.
You never believed that my mom hadn’t lost your key,
Tante… it was me.
I am sorry.
It was me,
I lost the key,
I took the toony,
The loony,
I was young, it was wrong, Please forgive me.
You were a wonderful woman,
Warm, strong, independent, Hard of hearing,
Everything you did was filled with feeling
You made everyone feel loved and protected
You never had children but every niece was a daughters and nephew a son
Every birthday, holiday, happy day and sad day, you commemorated
Thank you!
For the big the small
For everything
Some day in the end,
I hope we will meet again,
Au revoir ma belle Tante, dit bonjour à Roland, et Madeleine

LJ 28-04-2005 “A long walk.”

Previously Posted at my Livejournal.

A long walk.
“Not all who wander are lost.” Tolkien

Sometimes sadness needs to be walked away. I was sad, I and don’t know why. For some reason as I was on the bus towards home today, my brain flickered back on. For the past month, the lights were on but there was no one there. After the events with my father I could only feel anger and I couldn’t let myself think. So I turned off my brain. Smartest thing to do before exams I know. Now for some reason it turned back on tonight.

I had the overwhelming urge to walk, so I got off the bus at Lincoln fields. I walked passed the mall, then the Wendys. That’s when the memories started to come. My mind flashed with the memory of filming the tribute video and the movie night we walked to wendys. I passed the chiropractor and said hello to Murray. He’s a skeleton on the roof. His hat changes with the season. Good guy that Murray. I passed the Mcdonalds and remembered all the times me and neil stopped there after English class. There’s a girl in our class who’s cute but pretty nutty. Not in the normal way but in a scary way.

She reminds me of my first girlfriend Natalie. Poor girl was strange but I thought I loved her. When I realised I didn’t and I started disliking her I broke it off. That was in 10th grade. I didn’t see Nat often after that, not until 12th grade when I found a note in my locker telling me she was planning on jumping off a bridge. I knew she was serious because she had already tried to hang herself. I panicked, having no clue what to do. My guidance counsellor wasn’t there that day and my girlfriend at the time was at coop. I talked to a friend and we called my girlfriends mother who worked with troubled youths. She took care of it.

Passed the McD I decided to turn. I crossed and found a park. I whent towards a cute little rock. I was going to sit on it until I see it was really a fountain. Very pretty. I moved on to another massive rock. This rock had intricate carvings of butterflies all over it. When I get a camera, I’m returning there. I stood in the middle of the park at 11pm and tried to scream. I wanted to let out a gut wrenching scream to show the frustration I had, It came out as a weak yelp.

I continued to walk not knowing where I was going or why, I just walked. The neighbourhood became more residential. I glanced up at a window. It was a girl’s room; she had pictures of guys pasted all over her room. It reminded me of Lynne my cousin. I spent many hours as a kid talking with her in her room, or pushing toy cars across their hall with Denis. I remember a Halloween party she true when we were in 7th grade. I was the only boy allowed to go. I dance with a large plastic pitchfork and hit the girl I had a crush on.

I remember being at the grocery store with my mom in 5th grade. We had class elections and I asked her how to write a good speech. She told me to be honest. I was lost till finally that night I had an idea. I when up and crumpled up my papper. Trew it back and simply said, “I had a whole speech written, but the truth is if I’m class president, I will work for what you want.” I won that election and did exactly what I said. No one need know that I never had a speech prepared.

I kept walking, pausing to smell the smells of the city, touch the trees and objects, all while listening to David Usher’s new album. I then saw the Ikea and decided to cross the 417. I stood on top of the bridge and watched the cars go by. As I walked towards the Ikea, I saw a photograph on the ground. It was a woman holding a kitten in an old kitchen. The picture was faded with rain and sun. It reminded me of Nicole, then the giant corn roast in VG, then Gauthier Lake. I used to swim there every year. I miss the freshwater. Then I thought of fishing. I fished with my mom once and we spent the day getting sunburned and feeding the fish. It was a good thing because my mom wouldn’t have known what to do with the fish. She only touches dead fish that have been cleaned.

That reminded me of a memory that I had forgotten. I don’t remember when but I once went fishing with my dad. I remember waking up at 4 am to leave and being in the car forever. I also remember Hiking for what seemed most of the day. But it was worth it. We fished besides waterfalls of pure blue water. It was pure beauty. I love my dad.

I then saw the chapters and hoped that maybe the Starbucks was open. It wasn’t and I was starting to wonder what I was doing. I went into a shell and bought a drink. Then I headed out again. As I walked down the dark streets of an unknown section of Ottawa, I thought of my years here. I remember the first week I was here. I was so stressed having lived alone for 3 months with no one but the sweet old lady downstairs to talk to. I ran out of my res and went to chapters. I spent 7 hours in there browsing. I remembered the movie nights we had in res, just me, marie-eve, Pierre and steph. I remembered the life I had then and how afraid I was of everyone.

I walked the wealthy neighbourhood and glanced in the windows wondering about their lives. It reminded me of a few weeks ago when I was watching tv and Chris called Jon. A commercial came on and jon started saying something interesting. I turned the sound down and Alex looked at me and told me to put it back up. He told me it was rude. He was right of course. I wonder at my unending curiosity. I spend to much time listening to others lives. I had never realised that maybe it was wrong. I don’t do it hurtfully I just enjoy other peoples lives and trying to understand them. I’m very strange.

I walked and the streets got narrower and then there was no sidewalk. I was in a rich neighbourhood. I started to worry that I was lost. Every once in a while I would take of my earphones to listen and find my way to the 417.

I was mugged maybe a half dozen times. They were all in my mind and all played out differently. Sometimes I was attacked and I panicked other times I was to stupid to be afraid and I died. Then I started to worry about wild animals. The worst thing I met was a gopher. He saw me looked puzzled, gophers always look puzzled and when back into his whole.

I walked into a park then saw not only the 417 but the lights of Bayshore. My feet had brought me home. I followed the park till it ended in a dead end of backyard fences. I climbed the fence and saw a road. Richmond I think. Crossed it and saw a mini forest with a path through it. The path was covered in a thin fog. I decided that it was to mystical to avoid. (Pun un-intended) I when through the little forest and found myself next to the 417 It was maybe 12 by then and I realised that It was a long way around. Seeing Bayshore shinning in its artificial lights I decided to cross the major highway named for Her Majesty. I ran across my heart beating. I paused in the middle feeling the wind of transports and then crossed again. Finding myself behind the mall. I walked home.

Once home I sat down on a plastic chair and thought a little more. Turns out that sometimes doing something totally stupid can remind you that you are alive and that life is worth living. Then Jon came out and we talked about Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

In the end, it was an interesting night.
Good night.

LJ 23-03-2005 “My trip to Toronto.”

Previously Posted at my Livejournal.

My trip to Toronto.

Part 1

Here I am. This whole situation seems unreal. I need to write and I’m not sure why. I guess I’m scared. I’m leaving Ottawa and, metaphorically, everything it represents: home, school, support, security, strength.

I was uncomfortable in Toronto, the last two times I went. This should furthers my discomfort.

I’m not sure what will happen or what I’m going to do but this feels like one event that will mark me for the rest of my life. What will happen? I can only go with the flow, react with compassion and love.

Odd watching a movie, mimed to the sound of Cake. (In the greyhound you need to plug your earphones in their sound system to hear the movie but I chose to listen to music instead.) The bus is a normal Greyhound, nothing remarkable. The passengers seem to be the same but I’m sure they all have a story to tell. In a seat behind me sits an attractive girl, she looks like she’s been traveling a long time. Well equipped, she lies down to sleep on a makeshift pillow. All the rest seem just as average.

In the station I saw woman, Asian maybe, she walked around the station with a bright green suitcase, the kind that you pull, it seemed bigger then her. She was in her late teens a little woman with few curves. As I got into the bus I saw the suitcase standing alone in the middle of the station. I wonder why it was alone, I wonder what happened.

I love my father and I wish him no harm. I wish, as all people do, that it was happening to someone else. I don’t think that I will get there and everything will be wonderful, I just want to see my dad. I want him to know that I care and that I carry no hard feelings.

Well the board is set, the pieces in movement, the players nervous and now all I can do is be strong and caring, If not for him then for myself.

Eric Desmarais
The 22nd of March 2005. 10:06 am.

Part 2

Well I’m home now and in front of my computer. No longer does fear assail my heart, well not much anyways. I went yesterday to Toronto and met my dad and his wife and two of their friends. I haven’t seriously spent time with him in 5 years. Allot changes in five years and even more becomes exaggerated in a young mans mind. We spent a nice evening together, spoke of my family and how everyone is doing. We were all scared but joked most of the night. I never realised that his sense of humour was so close to mine. I think things went well because he wasn’t trying to be a parent anymore. He just wanted to be with his son. It was like hanging out with friends. Sadly I can no longer vilify my dad’s wife; I can see why he’s with her.
My dad and his friend drove me back to the Bus station at 11:30pm to grab the bus at 12. (My Dad couldn’t drive me alone. He’s considered legally blind.) We hugged and said our goodbyes. It was a typical male moment. It was nice.

On the trip back I talked to different people and finally fell asleep. I woke up a few times and when I go to Kanata, I took the 96 home and crawled in bed. The only problem with traveling to Toronto and back in under 24hours, is that I now feel (physically) like shit. Emotionally I’m great but I think I’ll take tomorrow to relax and then the long weekend to work on the things I’ve been putting off.

I received to phone calls today. The first was from Doris (Dad’s wife). The operation went well; they took 35% of the tumour out. Sadly they think it might be cancerous but they won’t know till the tests come in. Besides that he’s ok, no side effects and the headaches are gone. He’s will be back home tomorrow. They scheduled him for an appointment in 3 weeks and we’ll know more then. Middle of my 3 exams… sigh.

The second was from my mom. It’s strange realising that your parents are just normal human beings. She spoke with me for a while and I realise that maybe some of my anger towards him came from her. I don’t blame her though. He left her pregnant and didn’t talk to her till I was 1. He was 18 at the time and probably had no clue. She’s still hurt and I think in her own emotional way (I guess that’s where I get it.) she’s afraid that if I have a close relationship with my dad it will hurt the one I have with her. She’s sort of jealous that she can’t be in that part of my life. I love my parents but they’re just human. It makes me feel good and a little scared. It’s odd when the omnipotence of parents is proven false.

I have spoken to many people about this subject and the reactions I got surprised me. Many thought that I would be better off dealing with the whole situation if I had a girlfriend or a religion. I guess religion would have been comfort when I thought he was going to die. It would have been a comfort if I truly believed in an afterlife. Just knowing for sure that he was going to a better place would have been nice. I had to deal with it differently; I hoped he was going to a better place. I hoped that there was a higher being that was watching over him but these are concepts that I have a hard time believing in. I don’t want to believe the alternative, so what I do is decide to figure it out later.

The girlfriend thing surprises me a great deal more. I knew that religion was a comfort but a girlfriend? I guess I can see where I close partner could help me, comfort me and listen to me. A girlfriend might have helped me not be so grumpy for the past 2 weeks. According to some people sex is the cure for everything. Harrumph! I’d rather be playing D&D. I wouldn’t have minded a girlfriend to help me through this but to put it up there with religion?

I must either be strong or have a good support network because I came out of it stronger, and I thing I’ll be ok for what ever comes next. It was nice having real friends there for me and giving me there support despite the fact that I wasn’t in the greatest of moods, it wasn’t so nice to be attacked personally but let’s not start this again.
One last thing, some of you might be wondering why I don’t put things like this in the friends only section or why I don’t stop people from commenting or even delete nasty comments? The answer is easy, I write to work through things. I become more at peace when I write. The Lj system incites me to write because then I can come back and reread what I said and what others had to say on certain situations. If I write on this, I might as well let anyone read it and if anyone has to read this then they should have the right to respond. So there it is. I get peace of mind therefore you should get the chance to comment on it.

Eric Desmarais
The 23rd of March 2005. 11:02 pm.

LJ 16-01-2005 “E-Ffish-en-Chips”

Previously Posted at my Livejournal. It was written after a really bad date and a walk through the city. Oye, I was an angst ridden young man.


Alpha male growls as omega man crawls.
The clown fish sits back and listens.
Gamma man bawls.
The lesbian Ish glistens.

Delta girl looks for a mate.
Never finding the right date.
Never being able to cleanse the slate,
The marble of her fate.

Kappa girl spies the others.
Steers as each and every suffers.
Throws out a line.
The clown fish enjoins decline.
She sets her sails and rudders,
For calmer waters.

Alpha male beats his chest.
Omega man lies down to rest.
Delta girl makes a jest.
Kappa girl sails in quest.
Gamma man touches the steel to his breast.

The soft soaps turn garish.
The Greeks lie in lonely parish.

And the lesbian Ish ran away with the fish.

LJ 26-10-04 “This will make little sense, read on once dear friends.”

Previously Posted at my Livejournal. It was written after a really bad date and a walk through the city. Oye, I was an angst ridden young man.

This will make little sense, read on once dear friends.
The man in white beckons me onward, and I walk. The red does not bother me and I walk. My friend the moon, who has always been with me, shines light on the dreary, deceased shell of another city. I walk and smell the pot, see drinkers, in the alley I see the ugly lovers in the trash. Plip plop go my shoes. The man in the painted mask passes on his bicycle, his arms pumping in the air and he whistles. An image of Bruce Willis in an apron is spliced with a shot of a radiant smile. I stop to gaze at the giant egg about my head. I walk. A sad little walk, that of a man who knew and refused to accept. A man who still refuses and wants to strive. A man who hates to admit he has no control. I walk on. The melodrama of my life is neither grand nor all that interesting but I walk. The night is warm yet I feel the chill laugh of the bear and the ladle. The moon stays with me. I walk. My mind knows not where it is but my feet are well trained. My heart has decided to sleep, no not for long. It has retired to a cabin in the woods watching Freddy, making it laugh as it over analyses it’s romantic vision. Soon it will return to the triumphant sound of a Russian violin, then it will either stay or go to the Bermudas. In the mean time I will sing, coach the blue surprise and write of Sunshine sketches, masked comedy and lovable monsters. I do no write for you, I write for me. I let you read my thoughts, disjointed as they are, if I didn’t want them to be read they wouldn’t be here.

Am I a fool? No! Ask someone else and you might be surprised.