Bad

Spy Kids: Armageddon – JenEric Movie Review

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Hello Cinephiles,

Today we’re talking about the 2023 film Spy Kids: Armageddon.

Story

I can’t stand stories that require parents to be stupid and incompetent. On top of that, the story is a watered-down remake of the original. Don’t get me started on the weird magical computer stuff.

Score: 0

Characters

The kids were fantastic actors and did a great job with what they were given. The parents were terrible at everything including being likeable. The main villain was interesting but his story arc felt too fast and shoehorned in.

The spy organization was even more of a joke than usual.

Score: 0.5

Dialogue

It’s hard to believe this was the same writer who wrote, “Do you think God stays in Heaven because He too lives in fear of what He’s created”.

The dialogue is saccharine and bland.

Score: 0

Visuals and Music

Once again, the movie relies on special effects and videogame tropes instead of good action or locations. It makes the movie look cheap and dated even only two years later.

The music was acceptable but not great.

Score: 0.5

Fun

The kids liked it but all the adults were unimpressed. I find that the weird fun of the first one never translated the the rest of the series and it’s worse for lack of it.

Score: 0

Overall

This movie could have been a tumblr meme screenshotted to Facebook. It’s a self-indulgent remake of a much better movie. The only thing that shines is the optimism and the kids.

Final Score: 1 Stars out of 5

Carved 2024 – JenEric Movie Review

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Hello Cinephiles,

Today we’re talking about the 2024 film Carved.

Story

The story is ridiculously simple and follows the usual teens being hunted by supernatural creature. Instead of the older obsession with vilifying sex, POC, or queer characters, it has a heavy handed message about cannabis. Other than the deaths and violence, this is Disney PG with nary a kiss. Oh and the Black queer characters do die fairly fast. The ending also seemed too easy.

Score: 0

Characters

Overachieving theatre writer who’s in charge of her little brother with a disability. Hunky boy and various other tropes. The characters are flat and the majority of the actors are obviously going through the motions. Peyton Elizabeth Lee, DJ Qualls, and Wyatt Lindner do an excellent job with what they were given, but the rest of the cast felt like they were in a different movie.

Score: 0.5

Dialogue

The dialogue is terrible. Trying to be serious but quip like Bruce Campbell, and failing at both.

Score: 0

Visuals and Music

The death scenes and special effects were okay but not creative. Lots of carving people like pumpkins.

The music was okay but derivative.

Score: 0.5

Fun

This was terrible and I almost gave up. I think if the main actress wasn’t so good I would have.

Score: 0

Overall

Some horror movies are so bad they attain cult status but this one can’t even manage that. It deserves to be forgotten for simply being boring and formulaic. Save yourself the trouble and watch anything else.

Final Score: 1 Stars out of 5

Ready or Not – JenEric Movie Review

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Hello Cinephiles,

Today we’re talking about the 2019 film Ready or Not.

Story

This was meant as a dark comedy but came off more as a survival horror with incompetent, if better equipped, enemies. There were a lot of jump scares that doubled as attempts at humour, but overall it missed the mark almost completely.

Score: 0

Characters

The characters were interesting. A wonderful assortment of terrible rich people. Unfortunately, they were built up and almost all of them had unsatisfying deaths.

The bride played it like a horror action movie while the direction played it like a survival movie and the difference was a little jarring. She was an excellent actress and I would have liked to see the movie she was acting for rather then what they cut together.

Score: 0.5

Dialogue

The snippy rich family is an old trope but fun to watch. The dialogue between them was entertaining and the crazed aunt had some great lines.

The bride also had some excellent one liners.

However, the switching between whiny rich people and murderous devil worshipers was a little bland.

Score: 0.5

Visuals and Music

The music was okay if expected. Creepy old-timey music is really overdone and has been done better.

The visuals were appropriately gory and the special effects were excellent.

Score: 0.5

Fun

The movie starts quickly and the intro is done well, but after that it gets a little repetitive. The twists are predictable and honestly I just kept looking forward to the bride snapping and taking initiative to fight back.

I spent most of this movie planning a better version.

Score: 0

Overall

A wonderful premise and excellent actress wasted on a mediocre and repetitive story. The action and special effects are great but everything else has been done better.

Final Score: 1.5 Stars out of 5

Venom: Let There Be Carnage – JenEric Movie Review

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Hello Cinephiles,

Today we’re talking about the 2021 film Venom: Let There Be Carnage.

Story

The story was simple to a fault, with more time spent on Venom and Brock fighting than anything else.

What story there was, was as predictable as the first, maybe more so. Again, this felt like a bad 90’s script with modern special effects.

Score: 0

Characters

I honestly can’t stand Eddie. He’s a complete fool. Venom isn’t much better. They’re at their best when they snip at each other but still work as a team, and we didn’t see much of that.

Woody Harrelson and Naomie Harris are fantastic, over-the-top, villains. They are tragic and cheesy and wonderful. There was a little too much time spent telling us they were evil vs showing us.

Carnage was super boring.

Again, these actors are way too good for the roles.

Score: 0.5

Dialogue

“Oh shit! He’s a red one.” and “Those two need couples counselling.” were the best lines. Beyond that, it was pretty bad.

Score: 0

Visuals and Music

The special effects, cinematography, and directing were impressive. This movie looked good.

The music was excellent.

Score: 1

Fun

I watched this on my own and it wasn’t fun. I think it might be more fun with friends mocking it.

Score: 0

Overall

The acting, directing, music and visuals are spectacular. None of that saves the movie from a terrible script, unsympathetic characters, and dialogue that would feel cheap in a bad 90’s action movie.

Final Score: 1.5 Stars out of 5

Good and Bad

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

We’ve been watching Falcon and the Winter Soldier. No spoilers, I promise. My daughter is having a really hard time following it, which is interesting on its own, considering she had no issues with WandaVision.

Her biggest problem, besides the sheer quantity of military, political, and racism language; is figuring out who the bad characters are.

Television, books, and movies normally have very well defined good and bad characters. She understands the twist baddie, but this show’s characters are all so ambiguously bad that it’s hard to tell.

Even the main characters do some bad and dumb things.

I’ve been trying to explain to her that in real life, bad or good isn’t what you are, but what you do. We’ll get to how it can be hard to tell the difference later, but right now she needs to understand that its not an innate state of being. No one is Good and no one is Bad. We are defined by our actions.

It’s important to me that my kids understand the difference both for themselves and for others. Because once you decide people are one way or another you put them in a box and start to paint their actions based off of your preconceptions. It leads to hero worship and accepting bad things because someone is good.

It’s a hard concept, but we have a lifetime to discuss it.

Stay safe, and be kind,

Éric

The Past was like Totally Better

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Nostalgia: Sentimental longing for or regretful memory of a period of the past, esp. one in an individual’s own lifetime; (also) sentimental imagining or evocation of a period of the past. – Oxford English Dictionary

Someday we’ll look back on today and think how wonderful the world was and how horrible it has become. I can say that without exaggeration because it’s already happened. It’s happening right now. (I’m looking at you!)

I think it’s part of human nature that we idolize a time where we think we were happier, where life was simpler, where all the horrible things had yet to happen. We latch onto the horrible things in our lives now and glorify the good things of the past.

It’s not that we forget the bad things but their bite lessens with time. We can see it with less bias. There are two quotes that come to mind and I’ll say upfront that I disagree with Doctor Who.

“Great men are forged in fire, it is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame” – 50th anniversary of Doctor Who

“Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I’ve found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness, and love.” – Gandalf, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

These two quotes define our cultures beliefs on life. Fire, turmoil, battle, horror, etcetera are what creates great people. It is what makes exciting stories but not people. We don’t define ourselves by our hardships but our successes. When we don’t, we run into trouble.

Back to nostalgia… Nostalgia is our way of whitewashing our past and making sure we mostly remember the good stuff. It’s not that we want to forget the bad but that we want to concentrate on the good. We also tend to make a big deal about stuff that we won’t find important in the future.

A good example for me is writing. When I’m writing I feel stressed to be writing, but excited. I also feel ridiculously frustrated when I first edit. When all is said and done and I have an “almost” finished book (I say almost because my mind will never let me finish. I can always do more.) I feel amazing and only remember the excitement and elation of writing.

In some cases nostalgia is right but in a lot of cases it’s not. The world isn’t worse off than it was twenty years ago. The nineties wasn’t a better time. The internet and technology isn’t leading us to a horrible brain melting doom.

Nostalgia is great, especially with a drink and an old friend, but next time you find yourself saying, “When I was a kid…” stop and try to think of the good things now.

We live in a time of wonder and excitement.

If you need proof:  At the begining of 2014 Biofabrication isn’t Science Fiction.

See you in the New Year my Imaginary Friends!

Éric