The Teapot Chicken – Heroes, Legends, Fairies, and other Absurdities

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In a realm of magic, in a time of heroes; lived an old cantankerous wizard named Myrka. Despite living in an ideal little village, close enough to the castle to buy anything she needed but far enough not to be disturbed, she hated people. Wanting nothing more than to be left alone in her small, comfortable cottage, to drink tea and read her books.

Unfortunately, as a Wizard, people always seemed to need her to heal something, fix something, find something, or just stop some ultimate evil.

Because of the drain on her time, people were constantly touching her things. They’d come into her home begging to turn their children back from frogs. (Despite the fact that those same children had been warned that kissing an enchanted frog was a terribly dangerous idea. She’d even done a very informative talk at the local schoolhouse.) While they were inside they’d start touching things. Leaving fingermarks all over the wizard’s books, paintings, or teapots.

One day, after one of the ungrateful townsfolk had a second head removed (How’d she get the second head? That’s another story and the wizard didn’t care to ask.) they touched her favourite teapot, a dainty little china number with pastel blue flowers. The dark black smears on the spout of the teapot made the wizard’s stomach roil and she had to throw out a perfectly good pot of tea.

The wizard finally had enough and decided to enchant the teapot. She took her time in deciding how, but finally settled on making the teapot turn into a chicken when touched by anyone but the wizard or her family.

Why a chicken you ask? Well they’re both cuddly and vicious at the same time. Like tiny dragons, with feathers. She named the teapot Tina and could be seen absentmindedly stroking its spout and lid while reading.

One day the ruler of the land decided she wanted something from the wizard. Despite the wizard doing everything in her power to make people think she wasn’t powerful, word had gone around and Queen Renelle the Sixth needed something.

The Queen didn’t send a messenger or a knight to bring the wizard to her, no; she and her personal guard, court wizard, royal band, and half her court, showed up one morning on poor Myrka the wizard’s doorstep.

The small cottage was only able to accommodate the Queen and two of her guards.

“Would you like some tea Your Majesty?” Myrka asked forgetting the rituals of the court. She had always been more interested in the workings of the magical universe, so it’s understandable that she not know that, in that queendom, when the Queen visits, she must serve her host.

Before anyone could say anything, the queen picked up the teapot, yes that one, and started to serve tea. The events that followed saw the Queen soaked in scalding tea regurgitated by an angry chicken, and the wizard imprisoned for attacking the Queen. Tina hovered off in a huff, pecking several guards on her way out.

The Queen promptly forgot about the Wizard, who was placed in the deepest part of the dungeons. So deep as to have no guards, light, food, or drink. Just a rotting smell from the other prisoners.

Thankfully for the wizard, Tina the teapot was fond of her. The little teapot forced herself into chicken form and made her way to the dungeons. It’s amazing how little attention people will pay to a random chicken and how a strong peck to the nose will dissuade predators.

The valiant teapot freed the wizard from the dungeons and the two headed back to their little cottage.

The thought of cursing the Queen came to the wizard’s mind, but in the end she decided that wherever there was a curse there was always a pesky hero trying to break it. Instead she cast a spell making everyone in the castle forget that she existed.

To avoid the same situation happening again, the wizard enchanted her cottage. The next time a royal knocked on her cottage, the entire thing sprouted legs and ran away.

The moral of this story is simple: Always warn your guests about spells placed on your dishware. Also, don’t bother a wizard while they’re relaxing with a cup of tea and reading.

Heroes, Legends, Fairies, and other Absurdities are the expanded versions of stories I’ve told my children at night before bed. They’re short, silly, and were completely improvised in the telling.

Writing Excuses workshop at Sea

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Yesterday, a writer’s cruise was brought to my attention. And wow, did it ever get my attention!

The Writing Excuses Workshop and Retreat 2018! (scroll past the ticket info to get to the event details)

Take a look at the incredible instructors and the amazing seminars being offered!

I have met a couple of these instructors at Can-Con in Ottawa and I was incredibly shy and quiet around them very impressed by them. To have the opportunity to have a one-on-one session with even one of these instructors – where you can cover anything from a critique, worldbuilding, pitching practice (no, not baseball!), or simply get general writing advice – is worth it’s weight in gold.

The seminars themselves are extremely comprehensive and include writing exercises and Q&A time with the professor as well as instructional time.

The cruise allows for a guest to accompany their writer, with a nice discount. Children aged 12-17 can also attend seminars with parental guidance.

Please bear in mind that the prices listed are in USD but they include things like WiFi, gratuities, and transfers to/from the Houston WX hotel, all things that are not normally included in cruise pricing.

There are only a few tickets to the conference left! What are you waiting for?

The Liberty of the Seas from Royal Caribbean. Image from Wikipedia.

Are you interested in cruising? Jen has retired from working as a travel agent. Hope you’ve enjoyed Fandom Travel . 

Star Trek: Discovery; I finally finished it

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

I had a hard time finishing Star Trek: Discovery. That says a lot considering I’ve happily watched every Star Trek series to come out since TNG.

I have a lot of thoughts that I’ll share after the cut.

Star Trek: Discovery (l-r): Oyin Oladejo as Joann Owosekun; Sara Mitich as Airiam; Anthony Rapp as Paul Stamets; Mary Wiseman as Sylvia Tilly; Sonequa Martin-Green as Michael Burnham; Ronnie Rowe as Bryce; Patrick Kwok-Choon as Rhys; Doug Jones as Saru; Emily Coutts as Keyla Detmer © 2017 CBS Interactive. photo by Jan Thijs

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Devices of Desire (Serial Story) Chapter 7

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Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

Chapter 7: Autopsies, Cranky Physicians, and a New Assignment

Demon blood is green and acidic. Artemis stood in shock after being sprayed by what had been a demon before the princess had efficiently shot two large holes into it. Her monk’s robes started to sizzle and that’s what shook her out of the stupor.

The robes were comfortable and loose, they hid her shape and any indications that she wasn’t a man; and they were disintegrating. Between that and the burning on her skin she ran for the well.

There was already a monk at the well splashing people with water to wash off the demon blood.

“Take off your clothes, it’ll limit the damage,” The monk said.

Artemis had to make a decision at that point to either expose herself, in every way possible, or risk permanent scarring or damage. She started taking off her robes. Becoming a master wasn’t as important as protecting the world and the princess.

“All of you idiots stop what you’re doing,” The voice was gravelly and sounded annoyed. The man they came from had dark skin and a grey close cropped beard. He was shorter than Artemis by a head and was thin. Despite his size, he had no problem ordering, and being obeyed by, the fighting monks.

“We need to take these clothes off to avoid burns,” the monk at the well said. He was one of the older monks and didn’t take orders from anyone.

“Unless you neutralize the demon blood, it’ll soak into the ground and contaminate our water. I can both do that, clean, mend, and heal your monks with a simple spell. I don’t need to see their naked bodies while I do it.” He looked over at Artemis and waved his hand. The pain disappeared and her robes looked better than when she’d put them on that morning.

“Thank you Royal Physician,” Artemis said.

“Don’t be so formal, Master. Just call me Fred.”

“Thank you, Fred. But I’m not a master yet.”

He made rude noise and said, “You’re more qualified than these shmucks. Come with me,” They walked back to where the body of the demon was slowly melting. The Princess kneeled next to the body with thick gloves and appeared to be dissecting it. “Couldn’t help yourself Diana, huh? Had to get started?”

“It’s a darn good thing I started. With the pace you move, old man, the body would have dissolved by now.” The Princess looked up at him and they both smirked.

“Good. What have you found?” He bent down and picked up a set of gloves that matched the princess’s and they both started to rummage around inside the demon’s corpse.

They said a lot of science themed words but it might as well have been Troll for all she could understand. As they worked they put things in jars, took things out of jars, and scooped things back into jars. There were a lot of jars.

“Not a master. What do you think?”

“Don’t tease the poor boy,” the Princess said.

“My name is Arty and I have no idea what either of you was saying.”

“Arty huh?” Fred winked at her and continued, “We think that the acid in their blood is a by-product of the magic that lets them regenerate… heal.”

“Okay?” Arty didn’t understand how that was relevant.

The Princess explained, “If we can stop them from healing we’d have a better chance of defending ourselves. Fred thinks he can isolate something that we could tip our arrows with. I want you and,” she pointed at two guards, “you two, stay with him and protect him.”

Arty wasn’t sure if she should or if she could be assigned to the mage but when she questioned a senior Master, he told her to follow the princess. There was an odd avarice in the master’s look.

“Why the long face youngin?” Fred asked as they headed back to the castle. She’d expected some sort of fast transport but he was just walking.

“I’d rather not say.”

“Ah. You’re uncomfortable with the Monks gaining favour with the princess and even more so with you helping that along. I understand.”

“How did you know that?” He was right. She loved the fighting monk’s technics and they had some unique methods, but their pseudo religion based on emotional suppression and misogyny made her uncomfortable.

“Child. I’ve been a healer for three of your lifetimes. I’m very good at my job.” He winked at her. “What I don’t understand is why someone like you would want to become a monk. You started ten years older than most and have almost reached master-hood in less than a year. Frankly, you’re better than they are.”

“I… I’ve spent my life learning how to fight. I’m very good at it.” She smirked at him. “But there are countless orders like the monks that are renowned for excellence. I want to learn from them all.”

“You’ve done this before?” Their conversation was cut off by a scream. “Looks like the monks weren’t so special and the serum will have to wait.” He pointed at a guard, “Get a platoon and tell the princess that I’m going to help the villagers.”

“Sir, I was ordered to escort you to the castle.” The soldier stepped forward to grab the healer.

Artemis was going to block him but the healer said, “Touch me and I’ll make sure you die slowly, in the dungeons, and I’ll use your skull as a flowerpot. Do what I say or go complain to your major. Either way, deliver my message and leave me.” The man’s posture was almost comical. He was two heads shorter than the guard, wearing no armour but his scowl. It was effective. The guard turned and ran.

The royal physician and his now two guards headed towards the screaming.

“A flowerpot?” Artemis couldn’t keep the laughter from her voice.

His only response was an aggressive, “Bah,” and a smile.

Read Next

If you’re enjoying this year’s serial story why not check out those from past years?

Ontario Sexual Education and Blush: The Card Game

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“Here are all the instructions for doing this acidic lab. Have fun!”

The teens start pulling out beakers and vials, pouring acid without the use of gloves. Safety goggles are placed on top of the head, to make it easier to see the measurements.

“But we didn’t want to teach the students safety measures! That would have given them ideas about how to hurt themselves!”

We don’t say things like that. In science classrooms around the world, the first thing that is taught are the safety measures. Wear your goggles at all times. When handling dangerous substances, use gloves, wear a lab coat, don’t touch corrosive substances with your skin, etc.

Why should it be any different in sex education?

Or, less scandalously, Healthy Living, as it’s called in the Ontario Health and Physical Education curriculum.

The Ontario government has shown it doesn’t care about your child’s sexual education. That doesn’t mean you’re on your own. Blush: The Card Game was designed to complement the 2015 curriculum, help parents gauge their child’s understanding of the course material, and impart their own values on the topics that they learned in school. Now it can be used to help parents fill in the gaps in their child’s education.

In the 2015 curriculum, some topics that were included are discussions about consent, respect, healthy relationships, sexual and gender identity, and cyberbullying.

When the Ontario government repealed the curriculum and reinstated the one from 1998 they went back to a time before the internet.

A lot has changed in twenty years, including how students access to information. The internet is widely available now, and on devices a lot smaller than the old family computer in the living. Meaning kids feel more comfortable searching for their questions about sex and sexuality than going to their parents, if they feel awkward.

Unfortunately there are massive amounts of information on everything and it’s difficult to find and identify valid and trustworthy sources. Blush: The Card Game has valid sources already sorted through and made available to you. You can read them in advance or with your child.

Let’s talk about a few facts.

Cyberbullying: 1 in 3 kids have been or will be cyberbullied, and it is projected to get worse.

Sexual and gender identity: the “alphabet soup” terminology isn’t meant to confuse – being able to put a name to differences that people can otherwise not explain can be nothing short of lifesaving; it gives the feelings one already has a sense of normalcy and legitimacy, and, most importantly, access to the community who shares that experience. Thankfully, they can be looked up in the dictionary (more in depth sources of information are included with Blush). Giving students the terminology to describe themselves isn’t giving them ideas – it’s giving them the tools and the agency to use them.

The 2015 curriculum also bumped up the conversation about puberty to an earlier age.

This means that topics like menstruation will be taught to everyone together. Chances are, even if your child does not menstruate, they will encounter someone who does.

Being aware of what menstruation means will foster an understanding and respect of what other human beings are going through.

Talking about puberty was moved to grade 4 from grade 5-6, because in grade 4, most kids are 9-10 years old.

Recently, puberty has been starting in kids around that age. Teaching them about what their bodies are going through BEFORE they go through it will help avoid a possibly traumatic experience.

I was lucky that my mother talked to me about my period before I got it – she was only early by about six months. I can’t imagine my panic if I had started bleeding before I knew what it was. And the 1998 curriculum was instigated the year I was 13, so I wasn’t taught about menstruation in school until it was too late

One of the most important aspects of the 2015 curriculum – it normalizes talking about the body and its functions, starting the discussion in grade 1 by naming body parts.

To recap, the 2015 curriculum has been removed, and the 1998 one has been reinstated.

That means that parents need to shoulder the brunt of the responsibility of teaching their kids. They need to learn the information, so that they can impart the knowledge necessary upon their children. This decisSex Ed Secondary Curriculumion by the Ontario government means a lot more work for parents.

Here are some tools available and being prepared:

  • The 2015 curriculum documents, Elementary (PDF 2.6MB) and Secondary (PDF 1.7MB) so you can follow along and make sure that your child is learning the content that they need.
  • An amazing educator, Dr. Nadine Thornhill , who is working on youtube videos to teach the 2015 curriculum.
  • A really great website is Sex and U. It’s a great resource from Ontario that has lots of searchable information.
  • Scarleteen is another great site and one of oldest and most inclusive sex ed resources out there!
  • Then there is Blush: The Card Game, to help you discuss topics and impart your own values in a fun and educational way.

The removal of the 2015 curriculum doesn’t just affect you. It affects our future, and the future of our children. I want my daughter growing up with her body and identity respected. Please teach your children that cyberbullying is wrong, that respect is given to everyone, that consent is important, that sexual and gender identities are diverse, beautiful, and valid, and what healthy relationships look like.

Do you have a question about sex or sexuality? You can ask your question Anonymously here.

If you have any questions about Blush: The Card Game, it’s content, how it can help you. Feel free to contact us at blushcardgame@gmail.com

If you’re enjoying the Blush blogs, consider learning more with Blush: The Card Game from Renaissance Press.

Today I’m 35

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

Today is my birthday! (If you’d like to get me a gift, read and review my books.)

It’s easy to look back on your life and think, “AHHHHHH. I’ve accomplished nothing!!!” But that’s your insecurity speaking. At the very least you’ve done something that a lot of others haven’t; you’ve survived.

Surviving is good. I’ve been lucky enough to not only survive but do a few things that, I think, are awesome: (no particular order)

  • Graduated University
  • Had 3 books published
  • Written 7 novels and part of two novels
  • Made sure there was constant content on this blog since 2014
  • Learnt how to roast coffee and made a semi-successful business out of it
  • Been married for 9 years to my best friend (Although that’s mostly her being patient and a little luck)
  • I’m super proud of Baby Dragon
  • Wrote and developed an RPG (Can’t wait for FADDS to be available to all)

I’ve spent my life feeling average. I’m not the smartest, hardest working, most handsome, etc. So it’s nice to have things I’m proud of and that I feel I’ve done well. Yes, I realize there’s nothing on that list that hasn’t been done before, or that hasn’t been done better before. But I’m proud and consider myself lucky.

Who knows what I’ll be able to accomplish in the next 35-50 years.

 

What are you proud of?

Éric