fear

This shouldn’t be so hard

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans;

Since February, I have been trying to get permission to work from home full time. Work has been kind enough to let me work from home while I go through the DTA (Duty to Accommodate) process.

I am so so so grateful for my amazing bosses. I think this could have been infinitely harder and more stressful without them. They’ve supported me and fought for me the whole time.

Unfortunately, this decision isn’t theirs. It’s the HR department’s and they’ve been pushing back. Their first response was that they could accommodate my ADHD and Autism in the office with some minor changes. As for my migraines, they said, “As for the migraines, when Eric is feeling unwell, we encourage you to remind him that sick leave is available to take. The LR team also understands that should a migraine begin, it is understandable that he may not be able to commute to the office and may be required to work from home that day. That being said, if you notice trends, we encourage you to reach out to us to ensure compliance.”

That’s a lot of words for, “His migraines are his own responsibility and he should use his sick leave for them. But if he does it a lot, contact us to deal with it.” It gives me flashbacks to being yelled at for absenteeism by my former manager.

I didn’t understand how people could accumulate sick leave until Covid hit. Suddenly, I wasn’t getting as sick and I wasn’t getting burnt out every month.

Anyway, now HR is requesting an evaluation by my primary care physician, not my psychiatrist. The form they’ve given me is the same for someone who has a chronic injury. (I know this because my former doctor filled it out when I started my arm pain.)

My worry is that all the things on the form, I can do. I can sit at a desk and work, I can do my job. But there’s no room for what doing it in the office does for my physical and mental health. Sure I can do it. I did it for 14 years before the pandemic, but I had to take lots of sick days (was fired for that), some unpaid vacation, and it physically hurt me.

I’m fairly certain, unless my doctor reacts better than I expect, that I’ll be going back to the office by the new year. I feel helpless, angry, stressed, and worried.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

It’s okay to take care of yourself

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans;

The world is all kinds of scary and exhausting lately. For those of us that feel everything strongly it’s sometimes hard to function. So I have some advice for you:

It’s okay to rest and take care of yourself.

Seriously, sometimes you have to take a little moment to yourself for joy. If you worry and stress all the time you’ll feel like crap. I know it feels counter intuitive but you’ve got to do it and shut the little voice off. I know it’s easier said than done but try.

My current way of relaxing, other than reading and writing, is watching fun YouTube science stuff. Like this:

It’s hard not to smile and join in the sense of wonder.

Take care of yourself.

Stay safe and be kind (that includes being kind to yourself),

Éric

On the Edge

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Dear Friends, Family, and Fans;

The past decade has been a confusing and scary one for me. I have a very definite sense of justice and I’m often confused when others don’t. The fact that people like Rowling, Trump, or Woody Allen can still have successful careers is baffling to me.

It’s a source of great stress, especially when I see people defending hate. Two years ago when the convoy debacle happened, I got into an argument with a family member. They believed that the convoy was fighting for righteous reasons. I disagreed but could accept that. When I pointed out that two of the organizers had ties to hate groups, they said it didn’t matter because they were fighting for their right to not wear a mask. I still can’t understand that position.

How can you ignore, or forgive, the hateful part of someone just because you agree with something they are doing or saying?

The whole concept has me on edge. Every day in the news, there’s a new, hate-filled event and it’s exhausting and nerve-wracking.

More than ever, I feel like the world is on the edge of something truly terrible happening. I worry that I’ll be looking back at this time and thinking it was the good old days. “Remember when we could afford to drink coffee and we could chat with people around the world?”

I’m trying my best to take joy wherever I can, but it feels selfish and like I’m ignoring the world.

I wish I could do more than just avoiding supporting the cruel and speaking out. I wish I could do something bigger. Unfortunately, that attitude isn’t helpful. If everyone does small acts of kindness, we can start to make a difference. Individual snowflakes are powerless but when they get together they can paralyze a city.

Do what you can, I’ll do what I can, and together we can hopefully start an avalanche of kindness to combat all the hate.

Also… VOTE!

Vote like your life depends on it, because it’s becoming clear that the US is a warning, not an aberration.

There are good people out there and we need to remember that there is still hope.

Take care of each other!

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Allegiance to the Truth?

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Hello my Friends, Family, and Fans,

Last week I made the foolish mistake of commenting on a comment. The original post was a variation on, “Always punch Nazis,” and the comment was something along the lines of, “Come and punch me.” I decided to be snarky and say, “Wow. Admitting to being a Nazi… wow.”

I should have ignored it. He and the other people who commented didn’t want to have a discussion, they wanted to be angry. They seem angry that people call them Nazis or dismiss their beliefs because they’re associated with Nazis. (At least that’s what I get.)

I tried to reason with them and say that they just have to keep hate groups out of their protests and that’s all there is to it. (Before you ask. Yes. If I’m ever in a protest and the person next to me flies a Nazi or KKK flag, they’re going into the trash, and the flag too.)

This is obviously an extreme example, but it illustrates a trend. I like to be right, I also like to know the truth, but most of all I hate false information. It often gets me in trouble like I said in this post. The misinformation itches like a rash and I need to say something.

Unfortunately, people don’t see correction as a dislike of misinformation, but as a personal attack.

The want to be precise is something that runs in my family. Persnickety is a family hobby and it’s both frustrating and understandable. Sometimes you just want to get to the message and when people nitpick the details, it feels like they are purposely missing the point. (I also realize this is all a trait of neurodivergence but that’s a whole other post.)

Hank Green is a Youtuber I’ve been following for almost twenty years and I’ve always had a great respect for his dedication to the truth, to the point of making correction videos when he gets things wrong.

He posted these two videos recently discussing the truth and the quest to have an allegiance to the truth. Basically fact checking yourself and making sure you’re not just accepting things that fit into your bias. They are extremely entertaining to watch and I love that he is able to admit when he was wrong.

With the American elections last week, the upcoming Canadian federal elections, and the upcoming Ontario provincial elections; we need to be on our toes to avoid getting caught up in bias, falsities, and outright lies.

In this age of near infinite information at our fingertips, it’s important that we check to make sure we aren’t propagating false information.

But what do I know?

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Top 5 things about me, I didn’t realize were ADHD

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans;

As I mentioned last week, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. WIth that came a lot of things that I thought were universal but turns out are actualy ADHD.

Just a disclaimer here. These things are connected to my ADHD but aren’t necessarily only seen in people with ADHD. (They can also be influenced by my dyslexia, RSD, or anxiety.)

5. Planners

In highschool, I struggled with managing my time for assignments, projects, or readings. I tried everything to get organized. School gave me planners and I would write everything down, but the moment it was in the planner I forgot about it.

What finally worked in grade 11 was an electronic agenda. I put everything in it and I got a reminder that day. Unfortunately, it wasn’t able to remind me to start working on projects early. The electronic agenda didn’t work in university and I made writing essays the night before into an art.

I”ve tried to look at my work calendar each day and have sticky notes to remind me of things to do. I also have a very plentiful google notes account.

4. Voices and Habits

I thought when people said they were thinking of nothing, it meant that they didn’t want to explain the multilayered thoughts that were running through their head. Same with “clearing your mind” I thought that meant focusing on nothingness to try and stop your brain from thinking of everything. Apparently, not everyone has multiple voices in their head that narrate, explain, plan, and jump around.

When someone said they needed to form a habit, I thought they were exaggerating. I thought a habit was something you managed to remember to do everyday, not that it was something you could do without thinking. If I don’t concentrate on what I’m doing, even if I’ve done it a million times before, it won’t go well. I can’t trust my autopilot.

3. Inability to do only one thing

Go to class without doodling or drinking a coffee? Not bounce my leg when doing math? Not listen to music or watch TV while working? Walk without music?

Those all sound horrible. I thought I was just really good a multi-tasking. No, I just needed to keep myself from getting bored. It was shocking to me that people could focus for a whole 2 hour meeting (no matter the interest level) without fidgeting or drinking coffee or water.

2. Time

I absolutely HATE being late. I was yelled at a lot for it when I was young. I was told that no one would take me seriously if I was late, that it was rude, that I’d lose friends.

I tried everything to avoid being late or slow but I was late for school, got distracted going to the washroom, and sometimes wouldn’t notice the end of recess because I was so focused on what I was thinking.

By high school, I had realized that the downsides of being ridiculously early were minor compared to being late. That’s why I’m more likely to be 30-60 minutes early for an event than I am to be 5 minutes late. Also why I always have a book with me.

I still slip sometimes and I still feel panicked being late, even for coffee with a friend.

1. Form Paralysis

This one is embarrassing, since I design forms for work. However, when it comes to a medium-sized form or larger, I panic. I’m fine with the ones before you see a doctor or get a shot but anything above a page fills me with dread and it swims around as I try to understand what they want.

It builds and gets to the point that I can’t do it. It was so bad that I didn’t fill some important ones and it cost me money and opportunities in my writing career. (Jen’s been helping a lot.)

It’s easier with an HTML form vs a paper or PDF form. The smaller pages and clearer separations help.

This translates to any task that requires lots of steps. It’s a real struggle to get done, or started.

Again these aren’t things that affect every person with ADHD and they might not be exclusive to that. It’s my lived experience and things that have negatively impacted my life.

Be kind and stay safe,

Éric

I’m scared but I have hope

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans,

I’m back at work today, Dragon goes back to school, and life restarts after an extended break.

As I write this, I just finished reading the comments section on a Facebook post from Ottawa Public Health. I see in the comments a combination of anger and fear that is extremely familiar. Those that aren’t fake are people trying to come to terms with a world that seems to be falling apart. I understand the anger, I understand the frustration, and I understand the helplessness.

Unfortunately, we are in the golden age of cults. Yes, cults. From Dictionary.com, “An instance of great veneration of a person, ideal, or thing, especially as manifested by a body of admirers”.

Cults used to need to isolate and cut people off from their support systems in order to take advantage of them. In our curated digital world, it’s easy to find oneself isolated into specific communities with extreme ideas. My tik-tok is heavily queer, neurodivergent, writerly, and ttrpg based with a smattering of food and nutrition. I doubt that’s others’ experiences.

What this means is that we’re seeing more polarization and more us-vs-them and a lot more confusion. When everyone around you says the same thing and suddenly others are saying differently, it’s jarring and a little scary.

It’s a form of Cognitive Dissonance. That gut instinct of “am I wrong?” followed by either doubling down on your beliefs or challenging them. Unfortunately, there’s a lot more doubling down, especially when you are scared.

Basically, what I’m saying is that social media is a grade school rumour mill taken to the extreme. What that means for humanity is still to be decided.

No matter how hard it is to see, there is hope. Change is slow, social change doubly so. But every generation pushes it further. For every cult leader out there, there are people working to debunk their lies. For every 10-50 hate-filled comment, there are real people sharing their truths.

Hope in and of itself is powerful, with hope we can find the good. Without it we are lost.

What we can do is hard and doesn’t always work, but we can be kind. We can help those in need. We can tell the stories that need to be told. We can defend those who need it. And most of all, we can question everything.

That’s enough rambling from me.

Be kind and stay safe,

Éric

Hate, Wrath, and Pride

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Hello friends, family, and fans,

I truly think that people are fundamentally good but there are those who are consumed by hate. They justify their hate with religion, pseudo-science, anecdotes, or false-morality; but underneath it’s fear turned sour. They create an “other” that is wrong in some way and fixate on them to a terrifying level, dehumanizing entire groups of people and attacking them.

Over the past 15 years of blogging, I have tried to be honest, passionate, and open. Events in my life from the past year have made me rethink my online presence and advocacy. The anonymity of the internet can embolden those who hate to commit terrible acts.

Because of the current backlash against the 2slgbtqia+ community, it is important for those of us who can, to share our pride in our identities. I’ve mentioned before that I’m bisexual and this month is Pride month. So here I am, a queer-bisexual cis-man, who uses he/him pronouns.

I’m happy with who I am and proud of what I went through to get to here. If my pride and visibility can help others, then I have a responsibility to speak up.

If you only know a little about Pride, here are a few places to get some more information:

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Health Update April 2023

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Hello Friends, family, and fans;

As I mentioned in March, I did the nerve conduction test with a very condescending neurologist.

Yesterday I had an appointment at the speciality clinic. My very nice occupational therapist (OT) went through a bunch of questions and asked me about a bunch of things. She then did some physical tests and went off to talk to the doctor.

I told her I was worried about the vision problems and the numbness in my face and my worries about MS. She said she’d talk to the doctor. She also said that that was normally something a family doctor dealt with and not them. They are concentrating on the neurologist’s conclusion that it’s muscular.

The doctor came in and asked me more questions and then asked, “What is bothering you more.” I told him it was the pain that bothered me more, but the face that scared me more. His reply was, “Okay then. Let’s focus on the pain.”

So the plan now is to have me see a doctor that specializes in pain and put me with a group consisting of a physiotherapist, a therapist, and my OT. They’ll run special rehab and physio for me two or three times a week. I’m kinda happy about that, since it’ll save us some money on physio that is only covered 80% usually.

I’ll be honest, I’m a little underwhelmed. It’s been 10 months of this and I haven’t had an x-ray or any other tests on the part of my arms that hurt. I’ve had one type of test, no imaging, and this feels very flimsy as a diagnosis. (Is it wrong that I want something definitive?)

The clinic people are really nice and I think they have my best interests at heart, but I feel like they’re focussed on getting me back to work and not really figuring out what’s wrong with me.

I asked again about MS and the OT said that if there had been any signs, the neurologist would have noticed and that the doctor is trusting that. It’s not very comforting, but I’ll have to trust them for now.

I doubt the balance issues, clumsiness, brain fog, trouble sleeping, numbness in my face, and vision issues are due to muscular issues in my arms. I’ll do what they say (I don’t have much choice) and hope it helps, but I’m not convinced. If this doesn’t help, I’ll have to try and see if my family doctor is willing to run a parallel investigation (if he hasn’t fully retired by then).

It’s been a hard week. Glad it’s over and now I can enjoy spending time with my family over the long weekend.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Health Update March 2023

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Hello,

It’s been almost two months since I updated you. It hasn’t been a particularly enlightening two months.

I did finally get an appointment for the specialty clinic. That appointment went well; I have an awesome occupational therapist and doctor who are in charge of my case. The doctor, unfortunately, is an elbow surgeon who’s not quite sure why WSIB has referred me to him, but he’s willing to send me to specialists and tests.

They sent me to a Neurologist. I was really excited to finally see one. He did the exact same test that the carpal tunnel doctor did back in August. He says I have a little bit of carpel tunnel in my wrists, but that shouldn’t be bothering me. There’s no indication that my nerves are damaged or that they’ve had any issues at all.

He ended the exam saying that I was too young to worry about it and that if it were up to him he’d say to forget all this WSIB stuff and just go back to my normal routine and then added that the whole thing was ridiculous.

When I asked him about the numbness in my face he said, “That’s nothing. Ignore it.”

I was disheartened and angry. I’m not sure if he thought I was faking or that I was exaggerating my pain, but it was really condescending.

The nice elbow doctor and occupational therapist had scheduled an MRI for my neck, but with the Neurologist saying that I don’t have any nerve damage, they canceled it.

The downside to the clinic is that I only get appointments every 6 weeks. My next one is early April and hopefully they won’t be as dismissive as the Neurologist.

Unfortunately, I’m still in a lot of pain and it’s not getting better. My face is still numb and it aches a little when I work too long. I also find the vision in my left eye gets worse when I overdo it.

Between the pain, the clumsiness, and the numbness in my face, I’m starting to suspect MS. When I had an optometrist appointment in December, he said he couldn’t get my left eye to be as clear. I asked him about the numbness and that I sometimes got blurry vision in my left eye. He said that it couldn’t be nerves and that it’s possibly a side effect of fatigue. He said the only thing he knew that would affect my eye and not be seen in his tests was MS.

I’d hoped the Neurologist would have been able to test for that, but he didn’t.

MS is a scary prospect, but I’d rather find out than not know. There are plenty of other options; Fibromyalgia, Myofascial Pain Syndrome, and some much scarier, like ALS or cancer.

So a lot happened, but nothing new was discovered. Let’s hope this is just another step to figuring it out.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Girl Vs. Monster – JenEric Movie Review

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Hello Cinephiles,

Today we’re talking about the 2012 film Girl Vs. Monster.

Story

This is a fairly simple story about facing your fears. It’s surprisingly well thought out with lots of fun throughout. It has aged much better than I expected.

Score: 1

Charaters

When I first watched it I really liked the assistant and the main character. Watching it now, the best friend is seriously the most awesome character. The parents are annoying but understandable and most of the characters are good but a little shallow. The movie could have done with less secondary charters.

Score: 0.5

Dialogue

The dialogue is often a little bit too much on point and is interestingly already dated. It has some nice layers but its mostly just okay.

Score: 1

Visuals and Music

The movie uses its sets, cinematography, and special effects very well. The special effects are cheesy, but the sets are well done and I was impressed with the camera work.

The music was good. It was obvious that they had 2 songs and a small score, but it worked and helped move the plot forward instead of just taking time.

Score: 0.5

Fun

I liked this movie the first time I saw it and still liked it this time. I had both kids snuggling into me during the scary parts and both really liked it. They both got really excited at the big music scene. It also kept both of them interested the whole time without snacks. The day after, the 2 year old asked, “Watch Scary Movie?” which is super cute.

Score: 1

Overall

A good intro to horror adventure movies for kids, few scares but no trauma. With it’s strong message and wonderful soundtrack it’s a great cheesy Disney scary movie.

Final Score: 4 Stars out of 5