autism

Éric’s 2025 Resolutions Review

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans;

It has been a year… Lots of good and lots of bad. Let’s get on with this review and see if I succeeded at my goals.

1. Write The Hounds of Bakerville (Failed)

I’ve written the first three and a half chapters along with the prologue. I need to step up my game this coming year. I kinda lost steam on writing the novel with some behind the scenes drama that’s been stressing me out.

2. Write a serial story (Succeeded)

I really enjoyed last year’s serial story and I can’t wait to find out what I do for this year. Go read it now: The Scarlet Thread Irregulars

3. Master 1 song on the ukulele and record it. (Failed)

The shoulder injury really put a dent in my playing and then life happened. I’ve still been practicing but didn’t manage to record or master the song.

4. Read at least 12 books (Succeeded)

I read 19 books this year, which is pretty good considering I’m not commuting or waiting long hours in doctors’ offices as much.

5. Build my new book nook and Lego (Partially Succeeded)

I built the book nook and loved it. I started the Lego but got distracted by other things and kinda stopped half way. I’ll try to finish it this year.

6. Feel less guilty (Succeeded)

I’m giving myself more grace and letting myself enjoy things to relax. I think it’s going well. Yay me.

7. Design and deploy a new coffee flavour for Ottawa Comic Con in September (Succeeded)

Second breakfast brew is a delightful medium roast with English toffee flavouring.

8. Plan and plot out the first in a cozy mystery series (Succeeded)

I’ve planned the series, I’ve planned the setting, and I have a basic template outline for each book. I’m still super excited for this one.

9. Organize a massive birthday party and book release (Succeeded)

This happened during the summer. If you want to watch our Q&A, here it is on YouTube:

10. Keep fighting to learn more about myself and how to make my life easier (Succeeded)

Oh my goodness! I didn’t realize what a Gordian Knot of interconnectedness it is. The best example I can give is that as I work toward unmasking my ADHD and Autism (letting myself be myself without stressing about being “normal”), I’m starting to notice and be affected more by certain sense sensitivities (especially to light and smell) and it feels like they are triggering my migraines more. Or I just didn’t notice before.

Anyway, I’m learning a lot about myself, and even going to therapy. It’s obviously going to be a lifelong discovery and that’s okay.

Wow, that’s 7.5/10. I think that might be one of the highest success scores I’ve had. Now does this mean I worked my ass off and succeeded or that I didn’t give myself enough challenge?

I’ll take the win. This coming year will have new goals and challenges. I hate to say it, but we live in interesting times.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

I wish I’d known it was okay to feel

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans;

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. I’ve spent a lot more time analyzing my emotions and obsessing about them.

When I’m sad, I spiral, and it often hits depression levels. I try to feel my way through it and give myself grace. It makes things better, to not blame myself and it’s taken a long time to get over the shame of it. (Nothing shameful about sadness despite what my brain says.)

As for anxiety, I didn’t treat it that way at all. I treated anxiety like an annoyance that needed to be ignored, shoved down, and hidden. I get really bad anxiety in social situations. I always feel out of place and like I’m not wanted. I know that’s not always the case but it’s hard to deal with. (Doesn’t help that I have a really hard time reading people and have a little face blindness.)

In places that have a lot of noise, people, bright lights, etc; I would focus on hiding my feelings and trying to survive without showing my discomfort. It was causing panic or anxiety attacks (I’m not sure which). That would aggravate my migraines and make everything worse.

My therapist explained that you can acknowledge your feelings without focussing on the negative effects. So instead of focussing on the feeling of dread and needing to escape, I give myself permission to feel uncomfortable. It’s okay to feel and to have anxiety. I’m not broken, I’m not alone, and I’m going to be alright.

That change in attitude and thought process was enough to make Can-Con immensely easier for me. It also let me accept that people were happy to see me and to let go of the fact that some people don’t. It was still overstimulating and exhausting but better.

Anyway, this is your reminder that it’s okay to feel. Your feelings aren’t wrong, exaggerated, or stupid. They just are and they aren’t always rational but you’re not alone.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Éric’s 2025 Resolution Mid-Year Review

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans;

It’s been half a year since I made my resolutions, and wow has a lot happened in the world. Things are mostly okay for me minus a few health issues. Let’s see how I’m doing with my resolutions.

Fair warning, I chose the cartoon before I tallied my score.

1. Write The Hounds of Bakerville (Succeeding)

I’ve written the first three chapters and I have a good plot. I just need time to write. I lost over a month and a half to my tendonitis.

2. Write a serial story (Succeeding)

I’m loving this year’s serial story. It’s a lot of fun. Read it here: The Scarlet Thread Irregulars

3. Master 1 song on the ukulele and record it. (Failing)

Until I get the all clear from my doctor, I’m a little terrified of playing. I tried and it really hurt. Not sure how this one’s going to go.

4. Read at least 12 books (Succeeding)

So far, I’m at 10 books for the year. I think I’ll make it.

5. Build my new book nook and lego (Succeeding)

I built the book nook and loved it. The magical cafe was obviously out of my comfort zone. I might try again but I’m not sure. As for the Lego, I plan on doing that while I’m on summer vacation.

6. Feel less guilty (Neutral)

I was feeling better, and working from home is helping a lot, but the past month has been rough on me. Between the tendonitis and really bad allergies, I’m needing more time to do anything. I am trying hard to do some things that are just for me. I started a new Skyrim playthrough and I’m loving it.

7. Design and deploy a new coffee flavour for Ottawa Comic Con in September (Succeeding)

This one is easy. I know the theme and I know the flavour. I’m looking forward to having some time to design it.

8. Plan and plot out the first in a cozy mystery series (Succeeding)

I’ve planned the series, I’ve planned the setting, and I have a basic template outline for each book. I’m still super excited for this one.

9. Organize a massive birthday party and book release (Succeeded)

This is happening. Our publishers took point but I’m looking forward to doing this. I hope I’ll see you all there. Sign up on Eventbrite or Facebook.

*More details in a future post.

10. Keep fighting to learn more about myself and how to make my life easier (Succeeding)

I’m still on a journey of self-discovery (which has a significant lack of wizards) but I think I’m starting to understand how the ADHD, Autism, and health issues are affecting me.

Wow, that’s way better than I expected. 8 out of 10 is damn good. Now I just have to keep it up. You know what they say, “It’s not over until we ceremoniously slaughter the personification of the year.”

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

The Masks

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Hello Family, Friends, and Fans;

Let’s talk about The Masks… no, not that one…

Jim Carrey in The Mask

What’s a Mask?

A person masks when they don’t feel safe or comfortable being themselves. It’s a persona that you put on that isn’t quite you.

Queer Mask

Nathan Lane and Robin Williams in The Birdcage.

I grew up in a small town at the end of the twentieth century and any form of Queer was frowned upon. Gay was not something people were allowed to be. It was a schoolyard insult along with all it’s pejoratives. The few examples of bisexuality I saw in media were quickly erased (Willow from Buffy) or just there to titillate (Mirror Universe DS9).

That means as a teen I wore a mask of “straight male”; even if I didn’t fully understand who I was, I knew I wasn’t allowed to mention how cute Brendan Fraser was, wear too bright colours, stand with my hip out, walk with too much hip movement, like romantic comedies, or a million other things that would make people call me gay.

Despite having a very supportive family and an aunt who was gay, the society at the time was oppressive.

I’m still working on dropping this mask and I’ve mostly managed to shrug it off, but I still fall back on it when meeting new people. A lot of people, especially in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community still have prejudices against bisexuals.

Neurodivergent Mask

Hugh Laurie in House.

I’m still learning about neurodivergent masking but think of it like trying your best to not freak people out but those same people never tell you what freaks them out. Instead, you learn by people avoiding you, telling you you’re annoying, making fun of you, calling you names that trivialize mental health, call you a know-it-all, or nerd.

My natural expression is mostly neutral and I was teased for it by kids and teachers in grade school. In high school, I decided that I would show my emotions outwardly more. At first it was exhausting but after a few years it became second nature. Now when I’m with friends I still fall back into the, what feels like, over exaggerated part of me.

It’s just one thing that I have trained myself to do to avoid conflict or trouble. No one mistakes you for serious when you say sarcastic things in an exaggerated voice.

As much as I’ve masked in this way, I’m not great at keeping my infodumping or chattiness in check, to the point that I’ve had co-workers and bosses laugh about it. Because of autism, I’m never sure if they’re laughing at me or just laughing, and the Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria tells me it’s always laughing at me.

Geek Mask

Jaleel White and Kellie Shanygne Williams in Family Matters.

Most likely tied to the other two is my nerdy/geeky side. I’m the absolute worst at hiding this but in grade school I was mocked incessantly for liking things. Seriously strange that our society likes to mock people for liking things. I had a Jurassic Park sweater that I would have worn until it died if I hadn’t been shamed into never wearing it.

Most new people, unless I’m at a geeky event, won’t hear about my geeky side. Not until they bring something up that triggers a mini rant or discussion.

It’s the mask that has never been worn with family and rarely with close friends. I will nerd out about all kinds of things.

What it means to unmask

Robert Downey Junior as Doctor Doom

Unmasking is the idea of being yourself and doing what makes you feel comfortable rather than what makes others comfortable. I’ve been trying my best to do this at home and be myself completely but there are still things that I have trouble letting myself be.

It’s also really exhausting to constantly analyze who’s safe, who isn’t, and about what. Some are okay with Bi people but think D&D is weird, others are fine with board games but think getting easily distracted is a personal weakness. When I say social interactions are exhausting, that’s what I mean. It’s hard hiding.

I know I’m privileged and safer than most, but that doesn’t change my experiences and traumas around who I am and how I hide it.

That’s what I mean when I talk about masking.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Health Update January 2025

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Hello Friends, Fans, and Family;

It’s been an interesting couple of years for my health. I last talked about it in July 2024.

In short, I’ve been dealing with:

  • Pain in both my forearms
  • Dizzyness
  • Fatigue
  • Brain Fog
  • Tingling in my hands and feet
  • Numb and tingling on my left cheek
  • Blurry vision in my left eye
  • Pain in the joints of my hands and feet

Arms and Spine

I am doing exercises and stretches to help avoid pain. It still there in my arms but it’s manageable. I sometimes get pain in my neck that radiates down, but I double up my exercises and it usually goes away within a week.

Migraines

This is the big one. I’m currently taking Amitriptyline to try and prevent the migraines. So far I’ve been on it for two months with an escalating dose, and it hasn’t done much beyond make me sleepy and have terrible dry mouth. If this doesn’t work, there are other drug options.

I am starting to identify my triggers better. I know the following will trigger me:

  • Big change in caffeine consumption (If I have no coffee or if I have 4+ cups)
  • Alcohol (I noticed it with red wine and with cream liqueurs but I’m just cutting it all out.)
  • Changes in eating routine (If I don’t eat every 2-3 hours I start to feel faint and it can trigger)
  • Changes in sleep patterns. (Especially if the change is often)
  • Fluorescent lights
  • Strong smells (Mostly anything floral or going close to a soap store in the mall. Although someone had a poutine at work and the smell lasted all day. I loved the smell but ouch)
  • Changes of 10+ degrees in the weather and rainstorms. (I have no control over this one.)

Stress doesn’t seem to make the migraine worse but it does make the side effects worse. I had a really stressful day in December and for the next two weeks the muscles in my hips hurt like they were on fire. It’s caused by the migraine, the brain, and the two causing muscles to tense too far (probably what happened to my arms.)

I see my doctor on Wednesday and we’ll see what happens. I think this is a long haul.

Allergies

I have restarted my allergy shots and one week hasn’t cured me yet. I’ll be taking them weekly for 22 weeks. My allergist’s office prefers that I do the shots elsewhere so I’m thinking of going to an Appletree near my house on my lunch break.

Neurodiversity

As I mentioned in Friday’s post, I am Autistic and have ADHD. This explains a lot about how I burn out and how drained I feel in certain situations. It, with the migraines, explains a lot of why I feel like crap at certain times.

I’m not sure how this interacts with my other health issues but I’m sure that they interact and make things more complicated.

Sleep apnea and asthma

I have taken an asthma test and I am scheduled for a sleep test this summer. Hopefully these will be eliminated as concerns.

In Conclusion

Despite everything on this list, I feel better than I have in years. With my doctor’s help and hopefully finding the right thing to help with my migraines I should be even better by next year.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

I am Autistic

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans;

A few years ago I started looking into getting diagnosed with ADHD and/or Autism.

Last year I was diagnosed by a quick online service with Inattentive ADHD. I found out afterward that most employers and insurance companies don’t accept the results of this sort of testing.

I decided that I wanted to know and got tested properly. As you can guess from the title I was diagnosed as Autistic. I’m considered level 1 which isn’t a cool RPG system but just means that I need little to no support in day to day life. (Until recently it was called Asperger’s after a Nazi-Eugenicist).

I was also diagnosed as ADHD mixed type, suspected Dysgraphia, and Rejection sensitive dysphoria.

A small build your own booknook that I got for Christmas. It was a lot of fun to make. If you’re wondering why I put this in the post, its for reach and because I`d say books are one of my special interests.

It’s been almost a month and I’m still processing what it means. Currently, I’m relieved to be able to look back at times where I thought I was broken and understand that I wasn’t. So much of my life makes more sense now that I know.

The more I learn about Autism and ADHD, the more I feel better about myself. I’ve spent so long being told I was lazy, unreasonable, not applying myself, melodramatic, picky, annoying, or just weird. Over forty years of being told things like that, it starts to become part of your own inner monologue. My whole life, I’d wonder why certain things were so hard for me and those were the only answers. Now I have a better one, and I need to start being kinder to myself.

It’s a disability, and I’m starting to understand how it affects me and my life.

The big take away, for now, is understanding that I’m not broken but I am disabled.

Feel free to ask me any questions.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric

Sometimes You Need to Step Back

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Hello Friends, Family, and Fans,

A little while ago my need to be precise got me in trouble. Someone was complaining on the internet, and I clarified what was going on. That person accused me of attacking them and then someone who I once respected compared me to an abuser.

Being neurodivergent means I don’t always understand what’s going on until later with social interactions. So the whole thing confused me and made me angry.

Thinking back on it, I think I can see that the person’s interactions were coloured by their own trauma. I wish they’d explained to me why they were upset instead of attacking me but that’s not what the world is like.

Over the past couple of decades, I’ve noticed that we as humans are really bad at looking outside ourselves and even neurotypicals have trouble understanding others.

I’m always trying to understand people, and here are a few things I’ve learned:

I probably should have handled the situation differently. I wanted to correct the assumed accidental misinformation, but once the other party started getting defensive, I should have disengaged.

I understand that the two of them are working through stuff and that I must have triggered some bad memories. However, that’s not a good reason to start making personal attacks. (Your trauma doesn’t excuse being cruel to others.)

A friend recommended I lay low for a while, and knowing that I wouldn’t be able to stop correcting bad information, I left the social media groups related to those two people. It’s frustrating because it feels like I’ve been chased out of places I thought were safe.

If anyone feels like I’m attacking them, please contact me privately and we can talk about it. I try to never attack people but correct misinformation. I can see where that could be taken as the same thing, but before you start insulting me in public, talk to me. Please!

Stay safe, and be kind,

 Éric

Focus and too much of it

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Hello My Imaginary Friends,

I’m a very focused person. Probably not in the way you’re thinking. I’m not particularly goal oriented. If I were, I wouldn’t need my new year’s goals. I’m not going to make any lists of hot up-and-coming business people.

What I do have is an inability to let something go until it’s done or I’ve given up. Currently, I’m fighting with a smart light fixture that refuses to be smart. It’s consumed my thoughts and my actions. So much so, that I couldn’t think of anything else to write.

This focusing is super helpful when I’m working on a project or writing a novel. It pushes me and I can use it to get over the slumps. It isn’t, however, useful when I have no control over the situation. It’s also very unhelpful when I have other things to do.

The satisfaction of being done with the subject of the focus is great and long lasting. But it’s not always fun and can lead to me being grumpy or distracted until I finish or fix the issue.

The Endless Fight by the Awkward Yeti
Mildly relevant in that when I’m very focused, I feel like my brain and heart are fighting.

I’m told this is a trait of both ADHD and Autism. I’ve never been diagnosed with either, but the more I read about it, the more I’m confused and wondering if I may have one, the other, or both.

I’ve developed tricks and habits to make sure the focus isn’t detrimental to my health or those around me, but it’s stressful.

There are different levels of focus, of course. The light fixture thing is something I don’t want to have to worry about any more so it’s more immediate. Writing a book is easier and less frustrating in its pull.

I’m fine and I’m not asking for help. I just needed to vent and let you know that if you feel the same, you’re not alone.

I’ve always been this way, but I’ve started to recognize it more in the past year or so. The lack of commute, activities, and other larger distractions have given me time to be more introspective.

Hopefully that’s a good thing.

Stay safe and be kind,

Éric